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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:32 PM   #1021
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

You know ye are a pirate when...

...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine.

...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I´ll burn yer tent!

...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "who knows, maybe some day we go to Pennsic".

...you are not very interested in SCA rapier fencing cause "they've banned fleche and suicide fencing" and you dont really understand that crap bout "chivalry" either.

...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!".

...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything.

...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers.

...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt know anything about "loading guns with rusty nails" and you challenge him to a cutlass duel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass.

...your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellow sca-dians listens politely until you mention "fast motor boats" and starts complaining about how the price on silk has gone down.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:33 PM   #1022
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THE PARACHUTE

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner ..." Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:34 PM   #1023
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Fooled you!
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:35 PM   #1024
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CHIVALRY

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:37 PM   #1025
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EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job. The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted. The manager said, "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position. You've got to be bilingual." The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:39 PM   #1026
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RIGHT FOR THE JOB

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk. If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:40 PM   #1027
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What do pirates use to defend themselves?
Arrrrrmor!
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:43 PM   #1028
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Q: Why don’t pirates get carpal tunnel syndrome?

A: Because they practice … Arrrgghonomics.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:48 PM   #1029
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AHOY! - “Hello!”
ARRGH! - Part of speech: exclamation. 1. A pirates’ favorite word. It can be used for anything, GOOD or BAD! Examples: “Arrgh! What a lovely day!” Or,
“I don’t like that! Arrgh!” (Don’t pronounce the gh, which is silent).
Sometimes spelled “Arr!”
AVAST! - “Attention, please!” Example: “Avast, ye scurvy scallywags!” = “Stop
what you’re doing and listen up, you dirty pirates!”
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:48 PM   #1030
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AYE! - Yes!
AYE, AYE! - Yes, yes!
BELAY! - Stop that! Example: “Belay that talk!” = “Quiet now!” Or, “Belay the
Swabbin’!” = “Stop cleaning up!” (The second example would be words
not often heard by a pirate’s Mom or Dad!)
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:49 PM   #1031
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BUCCANEER - Pirates of the West Indies. Best known for their special way of
barbequing meat.
CAPTAIN - Pronounced “Cap’n” The person in charge of everything on a ship.
CHEST - A traditional type of treasure container. In modern days, pirates can use any type of container.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:50 PM   #1032
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CROWS’ NEST - A small platform at or near the top of the mast. The lookout climbs up high to get a better view when looking for land or the flags and
sails of another ship.
FIRST MATE - The next in command beneath the Captain. The First Mate runs
The ship if the Captain is not available.
GOBBLE - (verb) To eat in a fast, rude and noisy manner.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:50 PM   #1033
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GROG - A pirate’s drink. Pirates used to put rum and lime juice in their wooden
barrels of water to keep green algae from ruining their water supply.
In modern times, any beverage can be called “grog”.
GRUB - Food of any kind. “Come ye pirates! It be time for grub!, Arrrr.”
GUITAR - A musical instrument with strings invented by the Spanish.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:51 PM   #1034
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HAR! - 1. A pirate’s laugh. 2. The stuff on top of a pirate’s head.
HEAD - 1. The toilet on a modern sailing vessel. 2. The toilet on an old pirate ship?
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:51 PM   #1035
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HEAVE! - To pull towards you. Examples: 1. Pulling in rope lines from the sea.
2. When rowing a boat, pulling the oars towards your body.
HO! - To push something away from you.
HOIST THE SAIL! - To pull the ropes and raise the sail.
JOLLY ROGER - A pirate flag with a skull and crossbones. Usually black, but
sometimes red.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:52 PM   #1036
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LANDLUBBER - Pirate talk for land lover. A landlubber is a person who does not
have the constitution to live aboard a ship. One who can not
walk on a ship as it rocks back and forth as it rocks back and
forth as it rocks back and forth with the waves.
LOG - A book where all you pirates can write about your daily adventures.
Don’t forget to include dates, times and places. Oh yes, and NAMES!
LOOT - Treasure of any kind! Also called: SWAG, BOOTY, BOUNTY and MINE!
“Treasure! Arrgh!”
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:53 PM   #1037
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MANNERS - Pirates are generally not aware of this concept!
MAST - The long pole extending up through the middle of the ship that holds the sails and flags.
MATES - Friends. “Ahoy, mates!” = “Hello, friends!”
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:55 PM   #1038
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MEMOIR - The story of your life, written by you.
PIRATE - A person who sails a ship (often stolen), sings pirate songs, hunts for treasure (usually stolen), and only takes a bath once every four months.
SCALLYWAGS - Pirates who love mischief.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:58 PM   #1039
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SEA SHANTEY - A song sung by sailors to the rhythm of their work. Singing made their work seem faster and easier. Try it next time you clean your room. Yell, “HEAVE!” when you throw something in the garbage. Yell, “HO!”
when you pick something up! Sometimes spelled “sea chantey”.
SMARTLY - Quickly. “Smartly there, pirates!” = “Hurry up, pirates!”
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Old April 15th, 2009, 06:59 PM   #1040
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SWAB - 1. (noun) A mop made by tying several pieces of rope to a stick.
2. (verb) The act of mopping or any kind of cleaning.
“Avast! Mom! Dad! Be hearty! I be swabbin’ me room!” =
“Listen up! Mom! Dad! Don’t faint! I’m cleaning my room!”
SWASHBUCKLER - A well-dressed, dashingly handsome pirate.
TO BOOT - Also. Example: “I’ll have the burger and fries, to boot!”
= “Ill have the burger and also the fries!”
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:00 PM   #1041
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TREASURE MAP - A map that leads to the treasure. Arrgh! Don’t forget
your shovel in case it’s “buried treasure”! Arrgh!! Arrgh!!
TRICORN HAT - A hat with three corners. TRI = three CORN = corners HAT = hat
WALK THE PLANK - A pirates’ punishment. , The pirate would walk on a board that that extended out of the ship and over the sea. What happened next?
Anybodys’ guess!
X MARKS THE SPOT! - An X on a treasure map shows where the treasure is hidden or buried. What is a pirate whose map has an X? A very lucky pirate!!
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:01 PM   #1042
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Addled Mad, insane, or just stupid. An "addlepate" is a fool.
Aft Short for "after." Toward the rear of the ship.
Ahoy Hello!
Avast! Hey! Could also be used as "Stop that!" or "Who goes there?"
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:02 PM   #1043
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Begad! By God!
Belay Stop that. "Belay that talk!" would mean "Shut up!"
Bilge! Nonsense, or foolish talk. The bilges of a ship are the lowest parts, inside the hull along the keel. They fill with stinking bilgewater—or just "bilge."
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:04 PM   #1044
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Bilge-sucking A very uncomplimentary adjective.
Black Spot To "place the Black Spot" on another pirate is to sentence him to death, to warn him he is marked for death, or sometimes just to accuse him of a serious crime before other pirates.
Blaggard Blackguard. An insult.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:04 PM   #1045
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Blimey! An exclamation of surprise.
Booty Loot.
Bosun Boatswain, a petty officer.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:05 PM   #1046
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Bucko Familiar term. "Me bucko" = "my friend."
Cap'n Short for "captain."
Cat o'nine tails A whip with many lashes, used for flogging. "A taste of the cat" might refer to a full flogging, or just a single blow to "smarten up" a recalcitrant hand.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:06 PM   #1047
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Chantey A sailor's work song. Also spelled "shantey" or "shanty."
Corsair A more romantic term for pirate. But still a pirate.
Davy Jones' locker The bottom of the sea.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:06 PM   #1048
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Deadlights Eyes. "Use yer deadlights, matey!"
Dead men tell no tales Standard pirate excuse for leaving no survivors.
Dog A mild insult, perhaps even a friendly one.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:07 PM   #1049
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Doubloon A Spanish gold coin. At different times, it was worth either 4 or 16 silver pesos, or "pieces of eight."
Fair winds! Goodbye, good luck!
Feed the fish What you do when you are thrown into the sea, dead or alive.
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Old April 15th, 2009, 07:08 PM   #1050
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Gangway! "Get out of my way!"
Godspeed! Goodbye, good luck!
Grub Food.
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