Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Top Ten things overheard at
a TNG writer's meeting
10. "Playmates says they want another race of aliens for the toy line make one up"

9. "One more reference to Kei & Yuri and I'm going to hurl"

8. "Lets spin the wheel of plots..."

7. "So what if it contradicts something said in the first season nobody is going to notice"

6. "I don't care if the astrophysicist says we are wrong, who is writing this show anyway?"

5. "Want to call Nichelle Nichols and see if she wants to appear?"

4. "Hey, think any of those fan scripts in the warehouse are any good?"

3. "Oy, another contest winner, give them a line or two like normal"

2. "It's a tender love story about Barclay falling for a shy Betazed Medical officer, so what can we have threaten the Enterprise?"

1. "Well they never said we *couldn't* use a transporter for that"

[Damocles]

Top Twenty Signs that
Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life
20)Saying "make it so" in casual conversation

19)Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.

18)Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first

17)More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer

16)Have figured out the stardate system

15)Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra

14)Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol

13)The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams

12)Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"

11)Memorization of the crew's authorization codes

10)Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface

9)Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments

8)Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint

7)Understanding Klingon

6)Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work

5)Playing fizzbin and understanding it

4)"The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics

3)Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP

2)Inexplicable rock-climbing urges

1)More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers

[Damocles]

Top Ten Bumperstickers for the U.S.S Enterprise
10) "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"

9) "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"

8) "HONK if you like Commander Riker!"

7) "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"

6) "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"

5) "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."

4) "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"

3) "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"

2) "We brake for cubes!"

1) "Wesley On Board!"

[Damocles]

Ways to Tell if your
Starship Captain is a Redneck
1) Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

2) He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

3) You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob."

4) He refers to Klingons as "Critters."

5) He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns."

6) He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.

7) He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

8) He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies."

9) He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen.

10) He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

11) He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

12) He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage."

13) He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

14) He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba."

15) He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster."

16) He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

17) He paints the starship John Deere green.

18) He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."

19) He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp."

20) His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

21) He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen."

22) His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

23) He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

24) His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

25) He sets phaser to "Cajun."

[Damocles]

Star Trek ...The Lost Episodes Script
<Picard>
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

<Geordi>
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." <Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>

<Riker looks puzzled.>
"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.>
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Picard>
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data>
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard>
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data>
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

<Geordi>
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<Picard>
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

<Data>
"Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

<Riker>
"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

<Geordi, excited>
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<Picard>
"Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data>
"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

<Picard>
"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker>
"Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"

<Geordi>
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

<Picard>
"How much time will that buy us ?"

<Data>
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi>
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard>
"Identify."

<Data>
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

<Over the speakers>
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

<Data>
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

<Picard>
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

<Riker>
"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

<Data>
"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

<Riker and Picard together horrified>
"Lawyers !!"

<Geordi>
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data>
"True, but appearently some must have survived."

<Riker>
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

<Data>
"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

<Riker>
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

<Picard>
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stan to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.

[Damocles]

Star Trek Meets the Road Runner
...Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would be worth a look:

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty.

Supplemental-1: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplemental-2: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature
once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it
appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sick bay, leaving me
in command of the research party.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.3: The strange occurrences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for
them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation.

Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. This dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.

Captain's Log, supplemental: The plan failed. The creature was indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and sped off without setting the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8: Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just
as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."

Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4: In an all-out attempt to stop the creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has jury rigged a system that will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captain's Log, supplemental: Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder reading from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyze the creatures movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7: Mr. Sulu has located a cache of Acme dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely
buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9: Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees compatibility problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1: Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a thereagram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers in Sick bay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature at its own high speed terms.

Captain's Log, supplemental: The latest experiment to deal with the strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured does of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandable flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2: I have ordered the landing party transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

Captain's Log, supplemental: This is a warning to all other starships that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channeled full ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; hover, the energies were too much strain for the Acme crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her completely.

At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet.

When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplex. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it.

Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, recording.

[Damocles]

TOP TEN WAYS TO SHUT UP A NON-TREK GIRLFRIEND (OR BF) WITHOUT KILLING HER:
10. Tell her "Your ears canna stan the strain!"

9. Vulcan Neck Pinch

8. Have an Android made of her then when she starts speaking tell her to "Shut Up!" (See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode)

7. Wave Phaser in her face and tell her you will stun her with it.

6. Use transporter to split her into two seperate personalities. Phaser Evil Girlfriend and keep Good Girlfriend. (See, "The Enemy Within" - TOS episode)

5. Tell her your watching the episode where Picard gets naked.

4. Ask if she wants to see the Picard Maneuver

3. Try, "Computer - End Program"

2. Tell her she's in violation of the Prime Directive and she is interfering with a lesser developed civilization.

1. Borg her.

[Damocles]

Stunt Doubles
for Jean Luc Picard
10. Homer Simpson -- "Cardassians?!?! DOH!!"

9. Yul Brenner -- "Make it so, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."

8. Sean Connery -- "Picard. Jean Luc Picard"

7. The Godfather -- "mmhghmmmmsdfdfmmmmrhyhr"
Data -- "That you must wear the concrete suit in the airlock tonight."

6. Rodney Dangerfield -- "Hey, I tell ya Will, I get no respect."

5. James Earl Jones -- "Will, you are my son. Admiral Nechaev has forseen that you will kill her. Together, we can rule the fedration!"

4. Clint Eastwood -- "Go ahead Q, make my day!"

3. George Foreman -- "Y'know, Shatner and I would make a great acting team."

2. Ross Perot -- "My, those Ferengi were handsome little devils!"

1. Harrison Ford -- "Never tell me the odds Data. And Kirk, don't call me junior. I hate it. I really do."

[Damocles]

TOP 12 THINGS LIKELY TO BE OVERHEARD IF YOU HAD A KLINGON PROGRAMMER
12. "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

11. "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

10. "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon."

9. "Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!"

8. "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software
'releases.' Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."

7. "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

6. "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."

5. "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again."

4. "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

3. "By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!"

2. "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"

1. "Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

[Damocles]

Alien Transmission
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:

"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"

[Damocles]

Well not Star Trek but still related.

[Damocles]

SPACE TRAVEL
Blondie said, "We gonna do some space traveling".

"Oh Yeah, where are ya going", said Max.

To the sun, said Blondie. No one has ever been there before.

But you will burn up before you get there, said Max.

We thought about that, said Blondie

So we're going at night

[Damocles]

UFO
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'

[Damocles]

Space Race
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

[Damocles]

Colliding Galaxies
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...

[Damocles]

THE XMAS-FILES
57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., 12- 24TH

We're too late! It's already been here.

Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. You really think someone's been here? Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here -- it's a fruitcake. Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice." It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about? Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wielding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney! You're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Impossible.

I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!

I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-Files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake. But we have no proof. Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody -- not even the zoo keeper -- was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Mulder, I ...

Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?On the roof. It sounds like a clatter. The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter. Tune in next year to see what they found!

by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely
Back To Scifi & Fantasy Jokes

[Damocles]

Rejected Harry Potter Titles
Harry Potter Gone WILD

Harry Potter Meets Frodo

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz

Harry Potter and the Stoned Philosopher

Harry Potter and Secrets of the Bed Chamber

Harry Potter and the Record of Most Bails out of Azkaban

Harry Potter and too many Goblets of Firewhisky

Harry Potter Ordering around the Phoenix

Harry Potter Finds Waldo

Harry Potter and the 3/4 Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Return of the would-be-king-if-Harry-Potter-hadn't-
defeated-him-when-he-was-a-baby-in-the-first-place

Harry Potter and the Harry Potter Movies -Major Plot Points Excluded

Harry Potter meets Harry and the Potters

Harry Potter Enters the Ginny Weasley Fanclub

Harry Potter and the Highly Unnecessary Yet Mildly Amusing Rejected Title

Harry Potter and the Mongolian Foreign Exchange Student Program

Harry Potter Solves the Age-Old Question: Is the Glass Half-Full of Half-Empty?

Harry Potter Improves AOL

Harry Potter, The Fellowship of the Prophecy

Harry Potter, The North Tower

Harry Potter, The Return of the Headmaster

Harry Potter, The Many-Faced Menace

Harry Potter, Attack of the Muggle-Borns

Harry Potter, Revenge of the Death Eaters

Harry Potter, A New Hope

Harry Potter, The Dark Side Strikes Back

Harry Potter, Return of the Wizard

Harry Potter: The True Hollywood Story

Harry Potter and the Stolen Plotline

Harry Potter and That Thing... You Know, The Thing

Harry Potter and the Unpoppable Zit

[Damocles]

Life on Mars
It is not conclusive yet, but the NASA believes the Mars Pathfinder has found proof of life on Mars.

The cd player was stolen!

[Damocles]

What to do ...
Many people think that the concepts and ideas that they read
about typical SF story are derived from the imagination of the
writer. How do you know this? Many of the things I have read about
would require an imagination that borders on mental illness. Are
these writers producing autobiographies, thinly disguised as science
fiction? Just in case, I present here a brief guide, to help you in
the event that something you have read about actually happens to
you.

What to do ...

1. If you get a phone call from Mars.

Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary
citizen.

Q. What if he or she doesn't speak English?

Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the
phone. If your Martian really had something important to say to
you, he or she would have taken the trouble to learn the language
before calling.

2. If you get a phone call from Jupiter?

Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from
Jupiter, he or she is not `life as we know it'. Try to terminate
the conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you.

3. If a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your
backyard?

First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have
any film. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.

4. If you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
closet contains an alternate dimension?

Don't go in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
and go back to bed. Check your closet in the morning. If it
still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut.

5. If reality disappears?

Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There is not much you can
do about it. It can be quite unpleasant.

6. If you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?

Follow the books on this one. Ask about the stock market and
cash in. Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and
visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a
paradox.

I hope this guide will be of help to you, should you find
yourself confronted with any of the situations described. If
anything like the above should happen to you, get out your
typewriter, and crank out a story.

[Damocles]

Oops!
Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "uh oh."

[Damocles]

The Twelve Encounters of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a UFO in the night sky!

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Two flying disks! and a UFO in the night sky.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Three extra-terrestrials! Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Four flashing lights! Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Five abduction experiences! Four flashing lights, Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Six alien sightings! Five abduction experiences. Four flashing lights, Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Seven witnesses a-talking! Six alien sightings, Five abduction experiences. Four flashing lights, Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Eight saucers a-flying! Seven witnesses a-talking, Six alien sightings, Five abduction experiences. Four flashing lights, Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Nine spaceships speeding! Eight saucers a-flying, Seven witnesses a-talking, Six alien sightings, Five abduction experiences. Four flashing lights, Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the tenth of Christmas, my true love gave to me Ten telepathy thoughts! Nine spaceships speeding, Eight saucers a-flying, Seven witnesses a-talking, Six alien sightings, Five abduction experiences. Four flashing lights, Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Eleven close encounters! Ten telepathy thoughts, Nine spaceships speeding, Eight saucers a-flying, Seven witnesses a-talking, Six alien sightings, Five abduction experiences. Four flashing lights, Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Twelve ETs watching! Eleven close encounters, Ten telepathy thoughts, Nine spaceships speeding, Eight saucers a-flying, Seven witnesses a-talking, Six alien sightings, Five abduction experiences. Four flashing lights, Three extra-terrestrials, Two flying disks, and a UFO in the night sky.

[Damocles]

MARS AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH
Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that 'the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft'.

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, 'bouncing' several times before coming to a stop, 'deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases'. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the 'other-worldly' nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of 'an obvious government cover-up', pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

[Damocles]

A Tourist From Mars
A tourist from Mars on a trip to Earth decides to go on an excursion to the Moon, so he went to the space travel booking office to book a ticket.

"Sorry, sir," said the ticket attendant, "the moon is full at the moment."

[Damocles]

Things to do when seeing Lord Of The Rings:
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait! Where is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, "YOU.....SHALL....NOT..... PASS!"

3. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

4. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mis..ter Ander-sonnn."

5. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way!"

6. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

7. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.

8. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

9. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

10. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!"

11. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

12. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

13. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

14. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

15. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

16. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

17. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

18. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"

[Damocles]

Flying Saucer
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds.

"It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

[Damocles]

Lightbulb jokes.

[Damocles]

Sci-fi Light Bulb jokes
How many members of the starwars crew does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'we don't need a light bulb we'll just CGI the light in later'

[Damocles]

How many members of the Buffy/Angel/X-files crew does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'the darkness works just fine'

[Damocles]

How many Doctor who producers dose it take to change a light bulb?
'Ah light bulbs, if only I had the time or money to change light bulbs!'

[Damocles]

How many of the star trek movie crew dose it take to change a light bulb?
6, 1 lighting gaffer, 1 supervising gaffer, 1 assistant director of lighting, 1 director of lighting, 1 executive producer and 1 accountant. Total cost $6000.