Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada ...

... has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.

After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, MD.

[Damocles]

Laughing Bush Out of Office

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through ten will be handled by the Kerry administration." -- David Letterman

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense, he did have all of his service records thrown out." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." -- Craig Kilborn

"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon....The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that the people who are attacking our forces in Iraq are getting more and more desperate because we're making so much progress. So just remember, the worse it gets, the better it is." --Jay Leno

"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Osama bin Laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin Laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flashlight." -- Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on vague intelligence. Of course he did: EVERYTHING Bush does is based on vague intelligence." -- Jay Leno

"Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?" -Jay Leno

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

[Damocles]

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people."

"Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait til you see the idiots I put there."

Submitted by Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.

[Damocles]

Republican National Convention Schedule - New York, NY

* 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
* 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
* 6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
* 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
* 6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
* 7:30 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan's picture to replace all portraits on all American currency
* 7:35 PM Trent Lott -- "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"
* 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
* 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
* 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
* 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Liberals Are After Your Children
* 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
* 8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
* 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
* 9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
* 9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
* 9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
* 10:00 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to replace figures dynamited from Mt. Rushmore
* 10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
* 10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho-- Even When You Feel Squishy Inside
* 10:35 PM Announcement: Nation's capital re-named Reaganville USA
* 10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
* 10:45 PM The Grand Old Party's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice
* 10:46 PM Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"
* 10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
* 11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
* 11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
* 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
* 11:35 PM Blame Clinton
* 11:40 PM Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
* 11:40:30 PM Announcement: Pacific Ocean re-named The Reagan Sea
* 11:50 PM Acclamation of George W. Bush as Most Holy and Supreme Planetary Overlord
* 12:00 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself.

Submitted by Bill of the Willys

[Damocles]

A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.

The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium ". Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

[Damocles]

In the long standing White House Thanksgiving tradition ...

... President Bush pardoned a turkey today.

This year, the Presidential pardon was granted to Bill Clinton.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

[Damocles]

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced ...

... that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks".

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

Submitted by Larry, Greenfield, OH.

[Damocles]

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",...

...Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil ......we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil. Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Submitted by Vicki

[Damocles]

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq?

They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor - and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on

your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So, considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it but he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.

Inspectors my ass - You want the job done? Call my mother!

Submitted by Andy

[Damocles]

In an effort to avert war, Bush travels to Baghdad to negotiate with Saddam.

As George sits down he notices that Saddam's chair has three red buttons on one arm. After a few minutes of talking Saddam pushes one of the buttons and a boxing glove pops out of a compartment in the desk and punches George on the nose, Saddam laughs loudly and George continues trying to negotiate.

After another couple of minutes Saddam pushes a second button and a boot swings out and kicks George on the shin, he grimaces and Saddam laughs even louder.

Finally Saddam pushes the third button and a boot kicks George in the groin, Saddam laughs hysterically and George has had enough.

'Ok that's it, I’m going home. We will continue these talks in two weeks time in Washington.'

Two weeks later Saddam arrives to talk to George, he notices three red buttons on George's chair arm and expects to be repaid for his treatment of the US President.

After a few minutes George pushes a button and Saddam leaps out of his chair but nothing happens and George giggles.

After a minute or two George pushes the second button and once again Saddam throws himself out of the chair but again nothing happens and Bush giggles even louder.

Finally, George pushes the third button and once again Saddam expects to be hit by something and leaps from the chair but nothing happens.

Saddam is fuming as Bush rolls around the floor giggling like a maniac.

'I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad.'

Bush wipes the tears from his eyes and says through his giggles. 'What Baghdad?'

Submitted by Michael

[Damocles]

What the newspapers you read say about you

* The London Financial Times is read by people who run the world.
* The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
* The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
* The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.
* USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
* The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
* The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
* The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
* The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
* The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
* The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
* The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Submitted by Don, Middletown, Md.

[Damocles]

A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President and, above all, the smartest woman in the world." She grabbed the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy said, "It's ok, there's still a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman just took my school backpack."

[Damocles]

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all...

They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghan dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund----but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all, of his dog.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

Submitted by Debbie

[Damocles]

The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, DC travel agent of 30+ years:

* I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

* I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).

* A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

* I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

* An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

* An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

* A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

* A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

* I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

* A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

* A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

* A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA

[Damocles]

On a tour through America, president George Bush visits a school to explain his policies.

After that he invites the children to ask him questions.

Little Bob starts: "Mr. President, I have three questions:

1. How did you win the elections despite the fact that you had fewer votes than your opponent?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any reason?
3. Don't you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest terrorist act in history?"

In this moment the bell rings, so all the children run out of the classroom. After they come back from their pause, president Bush invites them again to ask some questions.

Now Joey starts to ask: "Mr. President, I have five questions:

1. How did you win the elections despite the fact that you had fewer votes than your opponent?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any reason?
3. Don't you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest terrorist act in history?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Bob?"

[Damocles]

Post-election bumper stickers

* Don't Blame Me - I Voted for Gore... I Think
* Unpresidented!
* If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates
* Jews for Buchanan
* What Popular Vote?
* I Voted - Didn't Matter
* My Parents Retired to Florida and All I Got Was this Lousy President
* Disney Gave Us Mickey, Florida Gave Us Dumbo
* Don't Throw Away Your Vote........ Let Katherine Harris Do it for You
* Who Is this Chad Guy and Why Is He Pregnant.
* Bush Trusts the People, but Not If it Involves Counting.
* Now Do You Understand the Importance of User-testing?
* To You I'm a Drunk Driver; to My Friends, I'm Presidential Material!
* One Person, One Vote (May Not Apply in Certain States)
* I Didn't Vote for His Daddy Either
* it Ain't over 'Til Your Brother Counts the Votes
* the Election Can't Be Broken. We Just Fixed It.
* The Skies (Wheeze) of Texas (Cough) Are upon You! (Choke)
* Banana Republicans
* George W. Bush: the President Quayle We Never Had
* The Last Time Somebody Listened to a Bush, Folks Wandered in the Desert for 40 Years
* Campaign Spending: $184,000,000. Having Your Little Brother Rig the Election for You: Priceless.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

[Damocles]

For years, the admiralty and maritime scholars have reviewed every statistic regarding the Titanic.

The simple facts were that the ship sailed with 2,224 men, women and children aboard. Of that number, 1,503 perished while only 711 survived. One of the last great mysteries was the previously unexplained fact that, of the 711 survivors, 704 were registered Republicans.

It has been only a theory for years, but recent events in Florida confirm earlier suspicions: all Republicans aboard the Titanic were able to follow the arrows to the life rafts.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

[Damocles]

Bush Legal Team Sues S. Claus

Reuters, Austin, Tx (Dec. 4)

Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before
packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker. Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or anything."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly." A weary nation can relate.

Submitted by Curtis, Burlington, Vt.

[Damocles]

Here are a few interesting statistics from our breakdown map of counties won by George Bush and Albert Gore. The last item is, perhaps, the most telling.

Compiled by law professor Joseph Olson.

* Counties won by Bush: 2,434
Counties won by Gore: 677

* Population of counties won by Bush: 143 million
Population of counties won by Gore: 127 million

* Square miles of country won by Bush: 2,427,000
Square miles of country won by Gore: 580,000

* States won by Bush: 29
States won by Gore: 19

And now for the most remarkable finding....

* Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Bush:0.1
Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Gore:13.2

The Federalist's crack staff of researchers found one more interesting fact that might help explain these disparate murder rates. Gun ownership in the counties won by Mr. Bush is much higher than in the counties won by Mr. Gore! For more facts, got to www.federalist.com/e2000.html

Submitted by Bryan, Idaho Falls, Idaho

[Damocles]

They can play 10 bingo cards at a time and not miss a number . . .

* They can juggle 53 numbers and pick 6 for the Florida Lotto, as well as select their Pick 3, Fantasy Five, and Mega Ball numbers.
* They can read 5 papers, 4 scratch sheets, and handicap 3 horses in the Tri-fecta at the horse race.
* They can spot a shanked golf ball in an acre of elephant grass 300 yards away.
* They can eyeball a nonresident in a 1,000-unit subdivision at 200 yds.
* They can report a scarred manatee at 10 fathoms to the Green peace hotline.
* They can take 37 different colored pills every morning and never mess it up.
* But they can't read a 4-line ballot they've had published in the newspaper and mailed to them a week in advance and pick one candidate...

You figure it out !!!

[Damocles]

What's the difference between Al Gore and a new puppy?

Answer: After five weeks the puppy opens his eyes and stops whining.

Submitted by Robin Miller, New Market, England

[Damocles]

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in south Florida . . .

. . . which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".

Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This
will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 7 days to complete!!!!

[Damocles]

I'm a BAD American. I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a Republican.

* I like big cars, big guns, and big HOOEYS. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts.
* I don't think playing with guns makes you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist.
* I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in America, you do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap.
* I think Bill Clinton lied, and every man is entitled to at least one day in court.
* I know what the definition of "is" is. I think Hillary's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing Internet. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
* I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osborne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being an art student doesn't give you any more insight than working at Blockbuster.
* I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
* I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools.
* I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Norman Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman".
* I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes Iraqi's deader (if there is such a term) and movies more interesting.
* I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake, but I still think that Goldberg could kick my ass.
* I think global warming is Chicken Little junk science.
* I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-up already.
* Bugs and Sylvester still make me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a 6 year old with a Play Station.
* I want to know exactly which church it is where the Rev. Jesse Jackson preaches!!!
* I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen DeGeneres is. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
* I worry about dying before I get even.
* I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stoplight, and I'm pretty sure the Latino girl selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada.
* I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway.
* I think turkey bacon sucks.
* I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are not gonna be honor roll middle-class high school kids but gang-banging losers from the wrong side of town.
* I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with a firm voice and a firmer hand.
* I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement and not a fad.
* I like hard women, and hard liquor. Don't even think about asking me if I want a rice cake.
* I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
* I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was "Sands of Iwo Jima" and "Ole Yeller".
* I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
* I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna sleep.
* I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
* YES, I'm a Republican......................

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

[Damocles]

When Bill and Hillary first got married . . .

. . . Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry.. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together..."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered. "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

[Damocles]

I've followed elections since I was a lad And I've never before encountered a chad.

It sounds like a character from Mother Goose Or a shaggy-eared elf in an old Dr. Seuss.

The word chad is a word that is largely unheard. You picture meek animals grouped in a herd of Small gentle creatures with snugly warm fur that's what you might think a chad or two were.

But a chad, it turns out, is a powerful thing. It's the difference b'tween deadlock and let freedom ring! It changed an election that once seemed a bore To a white-knuckled contest between Bush and Gore. And what is this chad that cuts such a caper? It's the tiniest possible flyspeck of paper. Push a pin in a ballot, you make a small hole. The chad is what's gone when the hole takes control.

But push the pin slowly or not hard enough And the edge of the hole will remain rather rough. Enough chad will be left to cause great consternation And influence the whole presidential election.

Then inspectors show up to inspect the small holes To peer and to puzzle about voters' goals. Chad experts they are, it's a specialized art for to read chads correctly, you've got to be smart.

Some chads hang by one corner, let voters lament The experts interpret that that vote was meant. If hung by two corners, a chad's still presumed To register the vote that the voter assumed.

But if a chad clings by three corners or more A tense huddle ensues while the experts deplore. They have to determine the voter's intention and earmark the ballot for trash or retention.

Suppose all the chad's left but there is a slight bulge Did the voter pull back, afraid to indulge? They never will know what really was meant. But the experts will call this a chad that's pregnant.

The election's already a plate of spaghetti And now we're inspecting small bits of confetti. A dent in a chad (not a bulge, keep it simple) Is ruled invalid as merely a dimple.

The world holds its breath while the chad experts study An election campaign that's grown terrible muddy. Not to be beat'round the Bush we don't know what's in store Did the pins Gore the ballot; did the ballots gore Gore?

It all seems so fitting, this election mosh-mish. To my ear, the word "chad" speaks strongly of fish. And from the beginning we all seemed to know Our choice was chad counting and never shad roe.

But I have to admit that it seems pretty sad In a country like ours so technology-mad. That the fate of the nation, for good or for bad Hangs not from a thread, nope, it hangs from a chad.

Submitted by Suzanne, Annapolis, Md.

[Damocles]

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and mountains. The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in Florida."

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

[Damocles]

Lottery Winning Numbers

Florida Lottery Commission
State Capitol Building
Tallahassee, FL

Dear Sirs:

On Friday, November 3, 2000, I picked the numbers 7-38-18-41-3-30. Saturday night when the numbers were announced I found that the numbers I picked were selected, however when I checked my lottery ticket I found that I must have marked the wrong numbers by mistake because my lottery ticket indicated the wrong numbers. The card that I marked to be read by the computer is hard to read and it is easy to mark the wrong column.

I know that you will honor my request that I will be considered the winner because I selected the right number and just made a small mistake.

If you won't pay me for intending to mark the winning numbers, I want to have you to declare a recount of the Nov 4th Lottery and allow me to select the numbers that came up on the 4th.

Respectfully,

Shirley Lotz
West Palm Beach, Florida

[Damocles]

2000 Election Controversy set rhyme.

In olden times, it could be decades before major events were cast in verse. But The Great 2000 Election Controversy is so big that a bunch of all-star poets have come out of retirement to quickly set the story to rhyme.

For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,
The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
In early November, the year ought-ought,
Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
All came down to Palm Beach County.
What result could have been horrider
Than the situation we found in Florider?


Edgar Allan Poe is his usual gloomy self:

Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
"'Tis a mess here," we all muttered, as the network anchors stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the core?
Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore."

Britain's Edward Lear's limerick is lighter:

There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection -
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.

Ditto Ogden Nash:

I regret to admit that all my knowledge
Is what I learned at Electoral Colleges,
So tell me please, though I hate to troubya,
Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?

Joyce Kilmer's a media analyst:

I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.

Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:

O'Captain! My Captain!
Our fearful trip's not done
The ship has weather'd every rack,
But nobody knows who's won.

Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:

And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on the line,
When the campaign's a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry "Tis mine!"
When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding,
A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.

Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:

I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card-by-card
I will not 'cause it's way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers.
I'll leave the country in a jam -
I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am.

"Clement Moore" adopts a holiday theme:

'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.

Which leaves the problem.

Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are so raucous is to start over again, with the Iowa caucuses!

[Damocles]

New Slogans for Florida

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17, 311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Or...

PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice.
PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the "duh" in Florida.
Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

[Damocles]

Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy.

"We must do all we can to support free elections in America and allow democracy to gain a foothold there," Kostunica said. "The U.S. is a major player in the Western Hemisphere and its continued stability is vital to Serbian interests in that region."

Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is refusing to recognize the nation's Nov. 7 election results, to "let the democratic process take its course." "Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the will of the people and concede that he has lost this election," Kostunica said. "Until America's political figures learn to respect the institutions that have been put in place, the nation will never be a true democracy."

Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an emphasis on certain trouble zones. Among them are Oregon, Florida, and eastern Tennessee, where Gore set up headquarters in Bush territory. An additional 10,000 troops are expected to arrive in the capital city of Washington, D.C. by Friday.

Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule out the possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved soon. "For democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the rich soil of liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections free of tampering or corruption," Kostunica said. "Should America prove itself incapable of learning this lesson on its own, the international community may be forced to take stronger measures."

Submitted by Bryan, Idaho Fall, Id.