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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:00 PM   #29
Damocles
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

In the Queue Area

Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control...the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening...Thank you.

Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on the left. If you'd like to keep your family together, please stay in the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you'd like to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you'll never see them again.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00/$100.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile...we have good news for you. We have found your rubber band.

To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders--the men who will be helping you into the boats--how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party..." and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party..." and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One...Two...Three. There--those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise. Those of you who are waiting in line are probably resigned to the fact that there is a long wait. Well, we here at the Jungle Cruise aim to please. So, if you'd like to see the line move faster, please raise your hand. Once again, please raise your hand if you'd like to see the line move faster. (crowd raises hands) Okay, those of you who have your hands raised, please take one step to the right and let the people behind you through. Now you'll definitely see the line move faster.

There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won't move, simply run in place.

Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting...veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.

Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they've spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that's ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.

We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they're pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can't trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin' (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four minus four is, and he said nothing.

It's a four hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?

Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you'll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don't go bananas.

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise Please do not take pictures while you are in the queue. Once again please do not take pictures while you are in the queue; They are nailed to the walls for a reason.

Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to remind you that cutting in line will not be tolerated here at the World Famous Jungle Cruise. That's right...there is to be no cutting in line. Anyone caught with scissors will be ejected from the queue.
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Best wishes;

Damocles

A little CHAOS is a GOOD thing!
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