Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

You know ye are a pirate when...

...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine.

...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I´ll burn yer tent!

...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "who knows, maybe some day we go to Pennsic".

...you are not very interested in SCA rapier fencing cause "they've banned fleche and suicide fencing" and you dont really understand that crap bout "chivalry" either.

...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!".

...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything.

...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers.

...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt know anything about "loading guns with rusty nails" and you challenge him to a cutlass duel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass.

...your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellow sca-dians listens politely until you mention "fast motor boats" and starts complaining about how the price on silk has gone down.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

THE PARACHUTE

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner ..." Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Fooled you!

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

CHIVALRY

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job. The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted. The manager said, "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position. You've got to be bilingual." The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

RIGHT FOR THE JOB

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk. If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

What do pirates use to defend themselves?
Arrrrrmor!

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Q: Why don’t pirates get carpal tunnel syndrome?

A: Because they practice … Arrrgghonomics.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

AHOY! - “Hello!”
ARRGH! - Part of speech: exclamation. 1. A pirates’ favorite word. It can be used for anything, GOOD or BAD! Examples: “Arrgh! What a lovely day!” Or,
“I don’t like that! Arrgh!” (Don’t pronounce the gh, which is silent).
Sometimes spelled “Arr!”
AVAST! - “Attention, please!” Example: “Avast, ye scurvy scallywags!” = “Stop
what you’re doing and listen up, you dirty pirates!”

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

AYE! - Yes!
AYE, AYE! - Yes, yes!
BELAY! - Stop that! Example: “Belay that talk!” = “Quiet now!” Or, “Belay the
Swabbin’!” = “Stop cleaning up!” (The second example would be words
not often heard by a pirate’s Mom or Dad!)

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

BUCCANEER - Pirates of the West Indies. Best known for their special way of
barbequing meat.
CAPTAIN - Pronounced “Cap’n” The person in charge of everything on a ship.
CHEST - A traditional type of treasure container. In modern days, pirates can use any type of container.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

CROWS’ NEST - A small platform at or near the top of the mast. The lookout climbs up high to get a better view when looking for land or the flags and
sails of another ship.
FIRST MATE - The next in command beneath the Captain. The First Mate runs
The ship if the Captain is not available.
GOBBLE - (verb) To eat in a fast, rude and noisy manner.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

GROG - A pirate’s drink. Pirates used to put rum and lime juice in their wooden
barrels of water to keep green algae from ruining their water supply.
In modern times, any beverage can be called “grog”.
GRUB - Food of any kind. “Come ye pirates! It be time for grub!, Arrrr.”
GUITAR - A musical instrument with strings invented by the Spanish.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

HAR! - 1. A pirate’s laugh. 2. The stuff on top of a pirate’s head.
HEAD - 1. The toilet on a modern sailing vessel. 2. The toilet on an old pirate ship?
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

HEAVE! - To pull towards you. Examples: 1. Pulling in rope lines from the sea.
2. When rowing a boat, pulling the oars towards your body.
HO! - To push something away from you.
HOIST THE SAIL! - To pull the ropes and raise the sail.
JOLLY ROGER - A pirate flag with a skull and crossbones. Usually black, but
sometimes red.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

LANDLUBBER - Pirate talk for land lover. A landlubber is a person who does not
have the constitution to live aboard a ship. One who can not
walk on a ship as it rocks back and forth as it rocks back and
forth as it rocks back and forth with the waves.
LOG - A book where all you pirates can write about your daily adventures.
Don’t forget to include dates, times and places. Oh yes, and NAMES!
LOOT - Treasure of any kind! Also called: SWAG, BOOTY, BOUNTY and MINE!
“Treasure! Arrgh!”

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

MANNERS - Pirates are generally not aware of this concept!
MAST - The long pole extending up through the middle of the ship that holds the sails and flags.
MATES - Friends. “Ahoy, mates!” = “Hello, friends!”

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

MEMOIR - The story of your life, written by you.
PIRATE - A person who sails a ship (often stolen), sings pirate songs, hunts for treasure (usually stolen), and only takes a bath once every four months.
SCALLYWAGS - Pirates who love mischief.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

SEA SHANTEY - A song sung by sailors to the rhythm of their work. Singing made their work seem faster and easier. Try it next time you clean your room. Yell, “HEAVE!” when you throw something in the garbage. Yell, “HO!”
when you pick something up! Sometimes spelled “sea chantey”.
SMARTLY - Quickly. “Smartly there, pirates!” = “Hurry up, pirates!”

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

SWAB - 1. (noun) A mop made by tying several pieces of rope to a stick.
2. (verb) The act of mopping or any kind of cleaning.
“Avast! Mom! Dad! Be hearty! I be swabbin’ me room!” =
“Listen up! Mom! Dad! Don’t faint! I’m cleaning my room!”
SWASHBUCKLER - A well-dressed, dashingly handsome pirate.
TO BOOT - Also. Example: “I’ll have the burger and fries, to boot!”
= “Ill have the burger and also the fries!”