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It's the hour before Pentecostal church, and the pastor comes up to the guitar player and says "I'm glad to see you include Biblical precepts in your guitar playing." The guitarist asks, "Do you mean 'make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye peoples?'" "No", says the pastor. "'Don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing.'"

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* Three guitar players: Harry, Larry and Moe are on their way to a gig. While on their way, they are all three killed in an auto accident. Being good boys they all go to heaven, where they are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says: "Welcome boys glad you made it, but I want you to know that there are rules here in heaven. The main one is Don't Step On A Duck, because if you do you will be punished because they make such a noise."

Harry was trying to avoid all of the ducks, which were everywhere, but before five minutes passed, sure enough he stepped on a duck. What a noise! St. Peter comes with a truly ugly woman. "You stepped on a duck, you will be chained with this ugly woman forever as punishment."

Larry lasted a little longer, but he, too, stepped on a duck. St. Peter came with even a more ugly woman, they were chained forever. Moe he was very careful and missed all of the ducks. St. Peter came with the most beautiful woman you ever saw and said: "you two will be chained forever and ever." After St. Peter left Moe said, "I don't know what I did to deserve this good luck." The beautiful woman said: "I don't know what you did either, but I stepped on a duck!"

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One ;ast guitarist jokeL

What is the difference between a guitarist and a rock?
The rock passed its I. Q. test.

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Well one more for the bass guitarist:

Q - What's the difference between a bass guitar and a rhino that's just eaten a lot of baked beans?
A - One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is the rhino.

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Accordion Jokes.

Q - If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
A - Who cares?

Q - What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A - The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q - What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A - A good start.

Q - What's a bassoon good for?
A - Kindling for an accordion fire.

Q - What's a accordion good for?
A - Learning how to fold a map.

Q - What do you call a group of female accordion players?
A - Ladies in Pain



* Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordion--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!



* Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles



* "Welcome to Heaven: Here's your harp."
* "Welcome to Hell: Here's your accordion."

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Bagpipe jokes:

Q - What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A - No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q - What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A - You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q - How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A - He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q - How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A - You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q - What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A - You can tune the lawn mower.

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Q - If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A - The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q - How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A - Add oil.

Q - What's the definition of a gentleman?
A - A guy who can play the bagpipe, but doesn't.

Q - What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A - Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q - What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A - The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

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Q - What's the range of a bagpipe?
A - Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q - Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A - They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q - How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A - Someone is blowing into it.

Q - What do you call ten bagpipers at the bottom of the ocean?
A - A good start.

Q - Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A - To get away from the mob.

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a tin cup.

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Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his
car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his
bagpipes in the back seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late
-- someone had already put another set of bagpipes and a drummer in the car!

ENOUGH with the drummer jokes!

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* David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says, "how did things go for you back on earth?" David says, "not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another $100,000 from the insurance". "Great," says St Peter, "what was it you did while you were alive?" "Oh I was in Real estate", "Good oh, come on in" says St Peter.

Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. "yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things", "Good oh , come on in".

Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. "yes well I left my fourth wife, my guitar and amp’s at the pawn shop, cars stuffed with drimmers, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been". "Oh well", says St P. "and which band was it that you played with?"

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In the Heavy Metal Band of the future there will be two animals, a Heavy Metal "Musician" and a dog. The "Musician" will be there to feed the dog, and the dog will be there to bite the "Musician" if he tries to play anything.

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* Saint Peter is checking Id’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

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St. Peter's still checking Id’s. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "OK, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Now, go get something to eat!"

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What's the Easter bunny's favorite kind of music?
Hippity Hoppity.

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lol

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More Easter Jokes.

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: Easter cluck.

Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!

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Q: What do you get when you find a Mexican Easter rabbit with no hair?
A: A Mexican hairless hare!

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

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Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?
A: A slam duck.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips (Two Lips).

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Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the farmer's day off.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: Wordy.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Like this comedy routine.