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-   -   Clean joke of the day. (http://www.colonialfleets.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15815)

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:47 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond.

"John, is that you?" Dave asked.

"Yes, it's me," John replied.

"This is unbelievable," Dave exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first," Dave said.

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven," John told him.

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what's the bad news?" Dave asked.

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:48 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Be Nice to Deaf Guys...

A guy was playing golf at some fancy club, and just as he was about to tee off , a cart drives up. These two guys get out and hand him a note saying, "We are deaf, may we play through?"

The guy says, "Hell no!" and tees off anyway.

Later on (after six shots), he is on the green about to putt when a ball comes from out of nowhere and misses his head by an inch. "What the @#$%^&*?" he yells.

The deaf guys drive up and hand him a note. On the note is written, "FORE."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:48 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Can You Tackle?

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:49 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Cheaters

Sid and Barney went out for a quick round of golf. Since they were short on time, they decided to play only 9 holes.

Sid said to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agreed and they enjoyed a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney was ahead by 1 stroke, but cut his ball into the rough on the 9th hole.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he said to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulled a ball from his pocket and tossed it to the ground.

"I've found my ball!" he announced triumphantly.

Sid looked at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid said with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:50 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Die Hard Fan

A first grade teacher was a die-hard Colorado Avalanche fan. She told the class to raise their hands if they were true Avalanche fans like her. The children, not knowing what an Avalanche fan was, raised their hands. They too wanted to be just like the teacher, all except one little girl. She did not raise her hand.

The teacher approached her and asked, "Why aren't you an Avalanche fan? They are the best team and I love them."

The little girl responded, "I'm a Detroit Red Wings fan."

The teacher asked, "Why are you a Wings fan?"

The little girl said, "Well, my parents are Wings fans."

The teacher, getting upset at this point, stated, "Just because your parents are Wings fans doesn't make you one. What if your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "Well, that would make me an Avalanche fan."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:50 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Dream Come True

A guy was stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day he saw a speck in the horizon. "It's not a ship," he thought to himself. The speck got a little closer. "It's not a boat." The speck came even closer. "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf came this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approached the guy and said, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," the man replied.

She reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a pack of fresh cigarettes. The man took one, lit it, took a long drag, and said, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then the woman asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

"Ten years," the man again replied.

She reached over, unzipped her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. He took a long swig and said, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then the woman began unzipping the front of her wet suit as she said to him, "And how long has it..."

The man quickly interrupted her, "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:51 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Emergency!

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help," she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help you," he explained.

"The second hole??? When is he coming???" she asked frantically.

"Hey! I told ya not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:51 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Extreme Mountain Biking

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:52 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Forgive Me, Father, for I Have Golfed...

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the 'F-word' over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the 'F-word.' The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

"Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word?'"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!!!"

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:52 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Funeral Procession

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.

"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:53 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Genie in the Bottle

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you."

The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title."

The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:54 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Gone Fishin'

Three idiots are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first idiot.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second idiot, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three idiots started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," one said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?"

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:54 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
I Was Responsible for the Winning Run!

After his Little League baseball game, Little Johnny rode his bicycle home and then walked in through the front door of the house.

His father was unable to attend the game, so he was rather excited to find out how his boy did. "Well, son, how did you do?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it, Dad!" said a proud Little Johnny. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:56 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Instantly Jealous

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.

"Hurry," she said to the repairman, "You'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:57 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Jack's Favorite Hole

Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed. I've had sex with one other man before I met you."

Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"

Sally replies, "The famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus."

They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric. "What would Jack have done?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

"All right!" says Eric. "Let's go."

They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric. "What would Jack have done?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"Going for a cuppa."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric. "What would Jack have done now?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.

"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.

"Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this freaking hole!"

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:58 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Limping

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:58 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Lonely Sandy

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Damocles April 19th, 2009 08:59 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Old Golfers

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're 75-years-old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"He's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Damocles April 19th, 2009 09:00 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Quick Learner

Two women were talking the other day over tea.

"Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend.

"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's he doing?"

"Evidently, very well," said the first lady.

"He's only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's already throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game for years!"

Damocles April 19th, 2009 09:00 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Rotten Day

Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage cans. Car door slams, some cussing, then the garage door opens, slams. Suddenly more crashing and clattering and cussing, then John comes into the house with his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.

"What's the matter, Dear? Did you have as bad day on the golf course?" asked Mary.

"Ya, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I only hit two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if I hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"


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