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The 14th Colony August 3rd, 2003 07:07 PM

14th Colony's House of Enlightenment & Wise-Assners
 
I am a non-board certified know it all. All that there is to know, I know. All that I do not know does not need to be knowed, and that which I do not know but are asked I make up. Come ye who seek answers about the workings of the fabricatable universe and I shall enlighten thee. Want to know why the sky is blue, what is the mathematical equasion of spinach, how does darkness affect the color of a seedling, whether it is dangerous to smoke your old socks or grampa's old underwear, what the airspeed velocity of a swallow is, or if the secrets of the universe can truly be determined by reading the ingrediants of chewing gum? Then I am your man. The doctor is in, 14th Colony is listening.


Ask me all that you wish to know, and I will answer, within reason. It is my choice to interject any humor (if at all) or sarcasm as I see fit. I can do this. I call it taking the 14th. No, not the 14th Amendment, but the style and manner of the 14th Colony.

There are rules, however, to ensure that no one might take advantage of my generous offering of wisdom here.

HERE BE DA ROOLS:
1) Do not ask me more than 2 questions at a time. My time is precious.

2) Do not ask me questions about yourself, such as your favorite color, team, your height, or any such things. I am the 14th. My time is precious.

3) There is nothing that I do not know. If you think that I answered incorrectly, it is your fault for improperly phrasing the question.

4) If you ask me something I cannot answer, I may pretend to ignore you. For further clarification, refer to Rule #3.

5) Do not ask me questions pertaining to professional sports or sports teams. I have non-disclosure agreements with the teams that I give consultations to, which cannot be breached.

6) Many of my answers may be in the form of wit or sarcasm or desperate attempts of such. Brace yourself.

7) If you ask me something I do not know, refer to Rule #3.

8) If you are not satisfied with this Answer Thread, remember Rule #3.

BST August 3rd, 2003 07:32 PM

O Wise Sage,

I have many questions rattling around me cranium. Now, if I could only figure out how to get them to slow down, I might be able to ask one!!

Please bestow your wisdom on this humble, insane lunatic!!


BST


P.S. I really needed this thread!! Definitely put a smile on me face!!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

:thumbsup:

The 14th Colony August 3rd, 2003 07:55 PM

"BST", huh? Are you something like a BLT, bacon lettuce and tomato sandwhich? Okay then...slow down, take a deep breath, now take another, now take another even deeper breath, now take another long, deep breath, now exhale and let all those breaths out. Feeling any better, or feeling like you're about to pass out? Right then, go ahead and slow your thoughts down and ask me your question. The 14th is listening.

Observe my reassuring smile. Doesn't my smile give you confidence? :drool:

BST August 3rd, 2003 08:03 PM

O Wise Sage,

Why is it when you take socks out of the dryer, there always seems to be 1 less than you put in the dryer?

(Like I said, lots of questions, that was the first one that slowed down!)

BST

The 14th Colony August 3rd, 2003 08:13 PM

BST, it is a vast global conspiracy perpetrated by the Alliance of One Legged People Persons. You see, they have used their manipulations of clothes dryer manufacturers to ensure that a secret panel inside the drum of the dryer steals one of every few pairs of socks to benefit those who despise the idea of having to purchase socks in pairs when only need one sock do they.

Flamingo Girl August 4th, 2003 09:03 AM

Why does my cat keep staring at the wall?

shiningstar August 4th, 2003 10:40 AM

Why is the coffee always BITTER toward the END of the POT?

The 14th Colony August 6th, 2003 06:31 AM

Flamingo Girl:
Quote:

Why does my cat keep staring at the wall?
Your cat is wierd, as all cats are. He/she is transfixed and mesmerized by the hallucinagenic properties of vast spaces of solid-colored flat-toned surfaces fixed at right angles to his field of view. I advise you to repaint all of your walls in contrasting colors of criss-crossing stripes and patterns. Then he/she will no longer be hypnotically attracted to the solid one-ness of the wall colors, and the staring problem will be cured. May I suggest plaid?

The 14th Colony August 6th, 2003 06:37 AM

shiningstar:
Quote:

Why is the coffee always BITTER toward the END of the POT?
Wouldn't you be bitter if you were always stuck at the bottom and essentially disregarded until the coffee above you was drunk first? I can't believe how insensitive you are. Don't you ever consider the feelings of the coffee at the bottom over your own selfish pleasures? You would be bitter too if you were that unappreciated coffee at the bottom of the pot. Next time, swirl things up a bit and drink the coffee from the bottom first and make it feel appreciated. Trust me, you'll be a better person for it.
:cool:

Laura Elizabeth August 6th, 2003 09:22 AM

O Wise One!

Who will win the 2004 Presidential elections in the United States?

goldcenturian August 6th, 2003 01:25 PM

Oh great and powerful En-Wise One,
why are noses, fingers and feet so dang difficult to draw accurately?
A frustrated, artistic goldcenturian

The 14th Colony August 7th, 2003 09:30 PM

Laura Elizabeth:
Quote:

O Wise One!
Who will win the 2004 Presidential elections in the United States?
If the success of this answer thread opens the right doors to provide me a platform to bring enlightenment and influence around the world, it shall be I who beats around the Bush and gets the Oval Office. However, I will seek creativity in my administration, and promptly rename the Oval Office the Oblong Office. I will also have a black vice-president, to add some soul to the white in White House. :D



:warrior: VOTE 14TH IN 2004!!!! :warrior:

The 14th Colony August 7th, 2003 09:34 PM

Quote:

Oh great and powerful En-Wise One,
why are noses, fingers and feet so dang difficult to draw accurately?
A frustrated, artistic goldcenturian
You are obviously a dedicated die-hard Galactica fan. But, your dilemna lies in your fetish for wearing your gold centurian Cylon costume at odd times. My young artist friend, take off the darn gold Cylon gloves and you'll be able to draw proper noses, fingers, and feet!
:p

conconcv66 August 8th, 2003 08:46 AM

Oh great and wase as i mean one. how come i have the munchies all the time.it happens after i smoke those funny cigarettes

The 14th Colony August 8th, 2003 11:13 AM

Deckape:
Quote:

Oh great and wase as i mean one. how come i have the munchies all the time.it happens after i smoke those funny cigarettes
You should stop apeing around on the deck, my young padawan. In my humble wiseness I have long ago put behind me the wicked, dirty ways of my past, before I was enlightened as I am now. Now that I am as enlightened as I have come to be, with funny cigarettes and strong drink behind me, my well-crafted and creative mind sees clearly and wisely and I am able to be in a position well positioned to position others onto the wise and warm path of 14th Colony Know-It-Allness, so that some others can be somewhat knowing some of the know-it-allness that I know and possess. Being clear headed also enables me to conjur up, write, and understand the mumbo-jumbo that I just wrote. :D Yet, I still have the damn munches even without funny cigarettes. No wonder I'm 220 when I think I should be 190! :p


The above service message has been brought to you by The Know-It-All Cause for Ultimate Knowitality. :light:

shiningstar August 11th, 2003 08:25 AM

CUTE 14th colony ;-) :D

The 14th Colony August 11th, 2003 10:01 PM

Thank you! But you've never seen my pic, so how do you know 14th Colony is cute? :p

shiningstar August 12th, 2003 11:10 AM

LOL :D

Muffit August 12th, 2003 01:06 PM

Oh bottomless pit of very funny and clever wisdom :), I have a quandary for you.

The first computers boasted barely 16k of memory, no hard disk drive, and crawled along at a measly 1 Mhz.

So why does a 21st century computer with 256MB of memory, a huge hard disk drive and screaming along at 2.5 GHz take a gazillion times longer to turn on and off?

Inquiring beavers wanna know! :D :beaver:

:muffit:

shiningstar August 12th, 2003 05:08 PM

so do :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien: :alien:

The 14th Colony August 15th, 2003 09:25 AM

Muffit,
Quote:

So why does a 21st century computer with 256MB of memory, a huge hard disk drive and screaming along at 2.5 GHz take a gazillion times longer to turn on and off?
Even a Formula 1 race car needs to be warmed up and idled before racing at top speeds. You can be full of energy during the day, but in the morning how long does it take to get your mind and body to wake up? I have to set my alarm for an hour earlier, because I always hit the snooze for an hour. And look at how much time it takes to put a hyperactive child to sleep at night. All that energy and momentum can't be slowed down and turned off so quickly. That's what your computer is when it is off, a tired blue collar worker who doesn't want to wake up, and a hyperactive child at night who doesn't want to go to sleep. Have you consulted with a pediatrition for your computer's nighttime hyperactivity? Just be glad it doesn't have ADD too.

I can give you one bit of advice, however, and that is leave your comp on at all times. I leave mine on 24/7 with a screensaver, and only log off the internet when I'm not using it and close all my programs. It doesn't hurt the comp at all (look at businesses that leave their comps on all day long even when they're not being used.), and it's always booted up when I need it so I never have to wait.

shiningstar August 15th, 2003 11:13 AM

I was doing that 14th colony but my hubby was having a cow
so I have to shut it off at night. :(

Muffit August 15th, 2003 01:38 PM

Thanks 14th! Actually, I just got XP and all the slowness problems of on/off are gone now. Takes only 35 seconds to boot, cool!

Thanks for the advice though! :)

:muffit:

P.S. That was a good analogy you gave (and you know I love analogies :))

shiningstar August 15th, 2003 08:02 PM

I agree with Muffit

The 14th Colony August 15th, 2003 10:48 PM

What a grand feeling, to be able to help people in such an all important, far reaching manner. Don't forget to leave a quarter on the table before you leave. :halo:

Shiningstar, because of the noise the comp makes from the fan? I used to hate that sound, and the buzz of the comp when all is quiet, so I had to turn it off at night. But now since I stay up late every night by the time I'm ready for bed I'm sleepy enough that I don't even hear it. On the other hand I used to have my tower set atop my bedroom desk. Now it's tucked out of the way under the desk, which is obviously why I don't hear it like I used to.

Anyway, Muffit, glad to help, and Shining Star too. Just come to me for all your unknowing knowurgencies and quests for knowledge, and pass the word along to all your friends and relatives and neighbors and doctors and co-workers and strangers on the street. When there's a mystery you want to beat, Doctor 14th is the one to meet. =)

BTW, I'm surprised no one has asked me yet why the sky is blue. That's my favorite one to answer.

Dawg August 16th, 2003 08:28 AM

Oh, Great Wise One, I have a question that has puzzled me since I was very young. Can you answer it?

Why is the sky blue?

Humbly,

I am
Dawg
:warrior:

The 14th Colony August 17th, 2003 05:29 PM

Dawg:
Quote:

Oh, Great Wise One, I have a question that has puzzled me since I was very young. Can you answer it?

Why is the sky blue?
Wassup Dawg? Why soytainly I can answer it! You've come to the right place for dead-on accurate factual answers.

You see, the reason for the sky being blue, is as follows:
Many many many many many many many years ago there was a planet called Bleoou which orbitted the sun from a distance between Mars and Jupiter. Bleoou was a gasous world with a thick, gooey atmosphere consisting of an isonosphere, a stratosphere, a gambadgrasphere, an agroogelsphere, and a bloobesphere. The bloobesphere was the majority of existing atmosphere on Bleoou, containing several gasses including H20, and it was thick and gooey.

Roughly many many many many many many many many many years ago, a gargantuan meteor that was really big traveling through space at speeds in excess of very very very fast, collided with the doomed planet, and Bleoou went kablooey. The planet was cracked into millions and lots of pieces of all different sizes ranging from itty bitty to "geez, look at the size of that thing", and those pieces now make up the asteroid field out there beyond Mars but before the Jupiter off ramp.

So much for the hard part of Bleoou. As for the atmosphere, most of it was dissipated into the void of space, but the thick gooey bloobesphere was sent hurdling across the several miles until it slapped into the third rock from the sun and got stuck there due to its gooeyness. Over time the glob of bloobesphere spread around the Earth's outer bubblesphere until it completely enveloped it and was absorbed into it. From that point on, it gave off its particular hue in the daylight hours due to sunlight shining through it, which is why in daytime we see the sky as the color of the bloobesphere from Bleoou. And that color, in honor of the calamity of the bashed Bleoou and the light of the bloobesphere, is called blue.

And now you know why the sky is blue and why blue is called blue.
:uhdrop:

shiningstar August 18th, 2003 08:03 PM

I 'do'? :confused:

The 14th Colony August 19th, 2003 05:36 PM

You don't? Have I not explained the reason fully why the sky is blue? Are you still in the dark? Or were you just rhyming "do" with "blue"?

Don't forget rule #3! =)

shiningstar August 19th, 2003 06:00 PM

LOL 14th colony ;)


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