Colonial Fleets

Colonial Fleets (http://www.colonialfleets.com/forums/index.php)
-   Galactica Cafe (http://www.colonialfleets.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=6)
-   -   Clean joke of the day. (http://www.colonialfleets.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15815)

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:13 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Misc. Star Trek Jokes

Why did Worf change his hair color?

It was a good day to dye.

******************

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:14 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Have you heard the new Klingon army motto?

Join the Klingon army.

Visit exotic planets, meet interesting people, and kill them!

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:14 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Tribbles are sweet...

...but they can be bitter if you overcook them.

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:15 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
He's dead Jim...

...I'll get his tricorder, you get his wallet.

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:16 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
She's dead Riker...

...but you still need a tire-pump.

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:16 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Visit Odo's gym...

...get into shape. ANY shape!

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:17 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
We are Microsoft!

...You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:17 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
What is Data's favorite song?

"I Left My Head in San Francisco"

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:18 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Did you hear that the Star Trek Doctors from The Next Generation, The Original Series and Deep Space Nine are setting up their own medical practice?

They're going to call it "Crusher, Bones and Bashir."

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:18 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
How do you know if you're facing Captain Picard?

Because you are blinded by the reflection off his head.

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:19 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Presidential Campaign Slogans--
If people from Star Trek ran for president, what would their campaign slogans be like?
Vote Dax/Odo
The team that adapts.

Vote for Troi.
"I feel your pain!"

Lursa/B'tor
Who needs an election?

Vote Chacotay
A REAL American!

Vote for Spock.
"Yes I did do spores back in the 60's but I did not inhale!"

Picard
Make it so.

Vote Gowron
or else!

Vote for Locutus.
Resistance is futile

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:20 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Voyager Parody

Star Trek: Voyager--"Adverloruim E Pluribus Unium"

(exterior shot: The USS Voyager speeds through the uncharted Delta Quadrant on it's long journey home. She backfires twice.)

(Interior, bridge: The entire crew, except Torres and the Doctor, are there)

Janeway: Mr. Paris. Did you put in regular unleaded? I specifically told you to put in $20 worth of super duper ultra fantastic unleaded with Techron. That stuff ain't cheap you know.

Paris: Honest captain! I put in the expensive stuff!

Janeway: I make it a policy to trust anyone wearing that uniform. I believe you Mr. Paris.

Paris: (silently to himself as he pockets a ten dollar bill) Sucker.

(Cut to the Voyager opening sequence, sung to the theme of Gilligan's Island)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this Bajoran port
Aboard this tiny ship.
The Captain was a la-dy
A female tried and true.
Those officer's set sail that day.
For a 3 hour tour
A 3 hour tour

The plasma started gettin rough
The tiny ship was thrown.
If not for the brain of the fearless cap.
The core would've blown.
The core would've blown.

The ship stopped here on the edge of this
Uncharted Delta Quad.
With Janeway!
Chacotay too!
Tom Paris!
Neelix and Kes!
The Hol-o-gram.
The dweeb and the Klingon!
Here on UPN!!!

(interior of the bridge)

Kim: Are we there Yet?

Janeway: No, Harry. Be patient.

Chacotay: Well, I don't know about you, but I could use a shower.

(To Janeway) Care to join me, sweet cheeks?

Janeway: (really miffed) Your out of line commander!

Chacotay: Oh, come on it's just a joke.

Janeway: Well, I'M not laughing!

Chacotay: Oh, you should take it as a compliment! It looks like you haven't been with a man since Doctor McCoy started wearing Depends!

Janeway: I have a boyfriend!!!

Chacotay: (sarcastically) Ohhhhhh. I bet he's a lucky man to wake up to that face every morning.

Paris: You two stop fighting right now or I'm going to turn this starship around and go back the way we came!!!

(Chacotay and Janeway look at each other and sit down)

Kim: Are we there yet.

Janeway: No Honey, push the pretty buttons why don't you?

Kim: Okeydokey!

Tuvok: Captain, I must warn you. As you know, Vulcans must mate once every seven years. well it's been 6 years, 11 months, and 30 days, and, as humans would say, I'm horney as hell.

Neelix: Can't you cross your legs or something?

Tuvok: I am afraid not.

Janeway: (Concerned) If Tuvok's mating instinct takes hold of him, no woman on the ship is safe!

(Chacotay smirks)

Janeway: Or men!

(Chacotay frowns, shifts in his seat and crosses his legs)

Chacotay: Commander Chacotay to sickbay. Activate emergency medical holographic program. (no answer) Doctor are you there?

Kes: Oh, that doesn't work anymore! I hooked the doctor to a clapper!

Chacotay: A what!?

Kes: You know, clap on! (She claps twice)

Doctor: (On intercom) Please state the nature...

Kes: Clap off! (she claps two more times and the Doctor vanishes)

Kim: Cool!!! (He begins clapping really fast)

Doctor: Please... stop... doing... that... you... little... son... of...a...

Chacotay: No Harry, Bad!

Kim: (Begins to cry) I just wanted to have (sniff) uh... uh... little fun. (He blows his nose on his uniform making a disgusting snot stain)

Neelix: You know I could make a wonderful pasta sauce out of that!

(Paris fights back the vomit)

Janeway: (claps twice) Can you hear me Doctor?

Doctor: Yes captain, please inform Mr. Kim that his next physical will be exceptionally PAINFULL!!!

(Kim swallows hard)

Janeway: We need your opinion about Mr. Tuvok.

Doctor: Ah! You need a Doctor to pull that bug out of his butt?

Janeway: Well, if you're not too... Uh, no, no, his seven year mating cycle is almost here and we need your help. Frankly we're fearing for our lives!

Tuvok: You should! My wife calls me the Energizer Bunny!

Chacotay: (even more fearful than before) Dammit doctor, what do you suggest!?

Doctor: Um, restraints?

Tuvok: Nope.

Doctor: drugs?

Tuvok: uhhh uhhh.

Kim: A really good issue of Playboy?

Tuvok: Shut up Harry!

Doctor: Well, I see only one alternative then.

Tuvok: And what would that be?

Doctor: (singing) You're not going to like it!

Tuvok: Doctor, I am a Vulcan. I can neither like or dislike your suggestion. Now, what is it?

Doctor: (clears his throat) Castration.

(There is a long silence on the bridge)

Kim: What does that mean?

Janeway: I'll explain later Harry. Tuvok? Are you OK?

Tuvok: (A tear rolls down his face) If... it will protect the crew...I will (his voice cracks) make the sacrifice.

Doctor: Excellent! I'll see you at 1500 hours!

Kes: (jumping) Wow! I've never castrated anyone before. Well, not on purpose anyway!

(Neelix looks at Kes suspiciously)

(Sickbay 1459 hours: Kes and Janeway are handing the Doctor a considerable of money)

Kes: Okay, $100 bucks says he'll show.

Janeway: Tuvok isn't crazy! $100 bucks says he won't.

(Tuvok enters the room)

Janeway: Dammit!

Doctor: Ah! right on time. Are you ready Mr. Tuvok?

(Tuvok nods)

Doctor: Are you sure? You look as pale as a ghost.

Tuvok: (hoarsely) P... prr... pro... pro... ceed.

Kes: Doctor, can we try out the new photon scalpel? (She activates it and blows a hole in the wall) OOPS! I had it up a little too high.

Doctor: No, that is the correct setting. (he approaches Tuvok with the hypospray)

Tuvok: Wait just a [BEEP][BEEP] minute! That crazy [BEEP] isn't coming near my [BEEP] with that [BEEP]ing thing!

Kes: Do you kiss you're mother with that mouth?

Janeway: Commander! You are not acting logically!

Tuvok: [BEEP] logic. I'm outta here! (He knocks down Kes and runs down the corridor)

Janeway: Janeway to security chief!

Tuvok: (over intercom) Yes captain?

Janeway: Bastard! He's always one step ahead!

(The Briefing Room: Everybody is there, minus Tuvok and the Doctor)

Torres: We've searched the entire ship and there is no sign of Tuvok.

Paris: We wouldn't have to search the ship if SOMEONE hadn't taken apart the sensor array to see how it worked! (looks at Kim who is looking at the floor)

Chacotay: Well we have to find his before he... (swallows hard) does something to one of us.

Janeway: Don't worry, we will. And soon!

Torres: How much time do we have?

Kim: According to my calculations, one hour.

(Ships corridor, 59 minutes later: Chacotay is walking to a turbolift)

Chacotay: (Singing) I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight! (A sudden noise is heard, Chacotay whirls around, but sees nothing. He continues singing with a shaky voice) Have you had a break today? (Another sound, he whirls around again and catches a fleeting glimpse of a shadow. He begins to sing again, terror is heard in his voice) Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, Meow, Meow... (the lift doors open and he hurriedly jumps inside) Whew. Bridge. (the doors slowly close, then a hand quickly trusts it's way in and forces the doors open. TUVOK!)

Tuvok: (Breathing hard) Hello... Commander.

Chacotay: (Backing up to the far side of the lift) Uhhh, hi uh hi!

Tuvok: Computer! Stop turbolift!

Chacotay: (Shaking in his boots) Tuvok why did... What are you looking at?

Tuvok! This isn't funny! (Tuvok slowly steps forward) Tuvok! NO!

(Bridge: Ops)

Kim: Captain, I swear I hear someone screaming in the turbolift!

Janeway: Now Harry, what have I told you about fibbing?

(The turbolift)

Chacotay: (Bug eyed) Tuvok! Stop right there! That's an order mister!

(Tuvok continues to advance. Chacotay pulls out his phaser) I Mean it! Stop! (Tuvok has his mind on one thing and one thing only. He doesn't listen.)

(The Bridge again: Kim has his ear to the lift doors)

Kim: I'm not fibbing captain! I think Commander Chacotay is screaming in the turbolift!

Paris: Harry, now why would Chacotay be screaming in the turbolift, huh?

(They all laugh, then realize why)

All: OH MY GOD!

Janeway: Harry! Get those doors open!

Harry: Yes sir, uh ma'am, uh captain!

(The Turbolift)

Chacotay: (Sweating, trembling terrified) Tuvok! I don't want to kill you, But I will to stay straight! (Tuvok gets closer) Noooooooooooo!

Tuvok: (Struggling) Kill... Me... P... lease!

Chacotay: (Hysterically) Oh, as long as it's all right with you. (He Fires)

(the bridge)

(Lift doors open and Tuvok falls out. Janeway sticks her head in the lift and sees Chacotay trembling in the corner)

Janeway: Oh God! We're too late!

Torres: No captain! I don't think that he... got anywhere.

Janeway: In most cases I've seen like this, there is very little left of the victim after the attacker is done!

Kim: I don't understand! Why was Tuvok so weird today?

Janeway: Shut up Harry! (She checks Tuvok?s pulse) He's not dead! Take him to sickbay!

(Sickbay: Tuvok is still out)

Doctor: It was actually quiet fortunate Commander Chacotay stunned Mr. Tuvok. Now he will remain unconscience throughout the rest of his (clears throat) horny mode.

Janeway: That's a relief. How's Chacotay?

Doctor: I finally got him to say something other than, "There's no place like home.", so he should be fine in a day or two, as will Mr. Tuvok.

Janeway: Thank you Doctor. (She claps twice and the Doctor vanishes)

(The Bridge: Every one is there, except Chacotay and Tuvok, and the Doctor)

Kim: Are we there yet?

Janeway: No, dear.

Kim: I gotta pee.

Janeway: Well you should have thought of that before we... (The Lift doors open and Chacotay steps out)

Chacotay: (Looking at everyone in annoyance) WHAT!? (The lift doors open again, out comes Tuvok)

Tuvok: Ah Commander, I was hoping to speak with you.

Chacotay: (Worried) You were?

Tuvok: I wanted to apologize for trying to, "jump your bones." I was not Myself.

Chacotay: Apology accepted Mr. Tuvok.

Tuvok: Thank you sir. (He slaps the Commanders butt) See you in 7 years.

(Tuvok returns to his station, Chacotay cautiously returns to his)

Janeway: Isn't that cute? Tuvok made a little joke.

Chacotay: Yeah (a nervous laugh) a joke. (A bead of sweat rolls down his face)

(exterior, space: The USS Voyager {which for some really stupid reason was traveling at impulse power throughout the entire episode} lifts it's engines and goes to warp.)

Kim's Voice: (Echoing in space) Are we there yet? ...there yet? ...there yet?

THE END?

Stay tuned to the next exciting episode of Star Trek: Voyager when Kes cuts the cake and Neelix cuts the cheese, all while a strange alien being forces the crew to watch "Spock's Brain" over and over again.

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:21 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
The Top Ten Pranks at Q University

10. Melting Professors!

9. Getting the answers to the final exam *before* the test is even written!

8. Changing the gravitational constant of the universe during football games.

7. Rewriting history during lecture, confusing the professor to no end.

6. Disassembling universes and rebuilding them in friends' dorm rooms.

5. Creating partial vacuums in people's underwear.

4. Going to the prom as your date.

3. "Inside-Out Day" -- not your clothes, your body!

2. Interdimensional panty raids.

1. Replacing the fine coffee they usually serve with dilithium crystals!

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:21 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Top Ten Pickup Lines of the Q

10. Sleep with me and I'll give your civilization the gift of fire.

9. Hwooo Whee! If you ain't the prettiest thing I've seen this millennia!

8. I'll make the Sun explode for you . . . and then we'll have sex.

7. Have you ever had an omnipotent immortal? You'll never go back!

6. Why yes, I am God.

5. Trouble sleeping?

4. Have you ever been the scarecrow? Have you ever done the scarecrow?

3. I was bored with everything; I was ready to end it all . . . until I met you.

2. I can give you everything you want, but I'm all you'll need.

and the number one Q pickup line:

1. Bonjour, Mon Capitaine!

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:23 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Top 10 Immediate Results
of the Federation' Defeat at Wolf 359
10. Admirals may no longer use starships solely to impress dates.
9. Package delivery really, really hampered.
8. Now everyone has the opportunity to be the only ship in the sector!
7. List of "retired" NCC numbers jumped 25% in one hour.
6. Night before "Active Ship Roster" quiz, students in Starfleet Academy's Fleet Operations 101 class can go out and party instead of pulling an all-nighter like last year's class.
5. Certain entrepeneurs left with a huge glut of "I Kicked Some Borg Butt At Wolf 359" T-shirts.
4. Special "War and Dismemberment" mini-series planned.
3. Utopia Planetia Shipyards, Inc. stock up 340%.
2. Sudden upturn in number of people applying for Space Salvage license.
1. Sector renamed "Sheep 359".
home

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:23 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
ST:TNG NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:24 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe

1. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun".
2. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 or a Wookie.
3. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
4. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
5. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
6. One word: lightsabers.
7. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
8. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
9. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
10. Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:25 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Star Trek with Dilbert Management
This section was "stolen" from The Dilbert Newsletter 13.01. To get the Dilbert Newsletter go to The Dilbert Zone. Saint Diana of Wales offers this vision of what the 24th century would be like under today's management techniques.

1. After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
2. Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
3. All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.
4. Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot.
5. As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
6. Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims.
7. The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade.
8. As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).
9. Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the Romulans.
10. A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
11. The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only getting 3% raises.
and an original one from FRANK...
12. The Enterprise is destroyed after the "transparent upgrade" to the power sytems causes the weapon and shield controls to malfunction.

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:26 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Top 10 Least Popular Courses at Starfleet Academy
10. Admiral Uniform Design.

9. Anthropology 502: Mating Habits of the Pakled.

8. Crashing Starships on Planets.

7. Literature 404: The Knock-Knock Joke In Vulcan Literature.

6. Jim KirkÕs Women: A Career Retrospective.

5. Engineering 101: Inflating Repair Estimates.

4. Horta Wrestling.

3. Klingon Cuisine (lab).

2. Statistics 300: The Data On Command Baldness.

1. Android Studies: The Role of Mechanicals in Federation History.

Damocles April 17th, 2009 06:27 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Top 10 Starfleet General Orders
Other Than the Prime Directive
10. Order 13: No flag officer shall be required to perform a fan-dance.

9. Order 101: No transmissions on an open channel may contain the term "gnarly".

8. Order 4: Pony tails are only allowed for peronnel who have whacked a guy with a bat'leth.

7. Order 21: Phaser rifles may no longer be used to warm cheeseburgers.

6. Order 993: During first contact situations, senior officers are discouraged from telling alien races that they "smell like old socks".

5. Medical Regulation 702-B: All cheese products must report for annual physical.

4. Order 218: Unused bridge stations be used for "Mortal Kombat" tournaments only in drydock.

3. Order 8: When the Prime Directive is violated, the nearest starbase shall convene a court-martial to determine if it was a dramatic necessity.<.P 2. Order 66: When in a parking orbit over a non-Federation world, "The Club" should be locked in position over Conn and Ops stations.

1. Order 231: If bridge officers wish to chew gum, they must bring enough for entire bridge crew.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:31 PM.

Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.8.11, Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content and Graphics ©2000-Present Colonial Fleets