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Damocles March 11th, 2009 09:27 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
Lightbulb jokes.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so no-one bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose molt.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out "Get Back!, Get Back!".

Aphrodite March 11th, 2009 03:04 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
More like
Canadian lightbulb

Damocles March 11th, 2009 06:49 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
More light bulb jokes.

University of California Lightbulb Jokes:

How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to mix the margaritas and one to call the electrician.

How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Davis doesn’t have electricity.

How many UC San Francisco students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six: one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest.

How many UC Riverside students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: Riverside looks better in the dark.

How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hire the undocumented worker mowing the lawn to do it for them.

How many UCLA students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One: She holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around her.

Damocles March 12th, 2009 06:07 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
More light bulb jokes.


How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Only one, but it takes at least three lightbulbs.

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.

How many football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- An entire team, and they all get a semesters credit for it.

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- It depends on whather it has medical insurance.

How many fatalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- It doesn't matter, We're all going to die anyway.

How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- "My god, it burnt out ! Sell all my general electric stock, NOW !!!"

How many cops does it take to screw n a lightbulb ?
- None. It turned itself in.

How many automechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Five. One to force it with a hammer, and four to go out for more lightbulbs.

How many bankers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.

How many windows programmers does it tae to change a lightbulb ?
- 391. One to write "WinGetLightBulbHandle",
one to write "WinGetLightBulbStatus",
one to write "WinGetLight.......

How many Technical Support folks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- We have an exact copy of the bulb here, and it appears to work fine. Can you tell me what kind af system you have ? Okay, exactly how dark is it ? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong.... Have You tried the light switch ???

How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Eight. One to change the bulb, and seven more to make sure Microsoft gets $2 every time a lightbulb is changed anywhere in the world.

How many Beta-testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- We noticed the darkness; We didn't actually fix the problem.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. Bill Gates wil just redefine Darkness (TM) to be the new industry standard.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed lightbulb object would inherit a change method from a generic lightbulb class, so all You'd have to do, is to send a lightbulb change message.

How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- The bulb works fine on the system in my office.

How many ex-politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- As many as possible.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. He'll only promise change.

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.

How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- One to change the bulb, and on thousand to chant, "Fight Darkness. Fight..."

How many Apple Employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Seven. one to change the bulb, and six to design the T-shirt.

How many computer engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Why bother. The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.

How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- I don't know, but I could look it up for You.

How many Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Just one. But the bulb has to really WANT to change.

How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Depends on what You want it to change to.

How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Five. And You should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.

bsg1fan1975 March 12th, 2009 11:58 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
oh good lord! what a way to start my Spring Break off with a good laugh!

Aphrodite March 12th, 2009 01:45 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
How many JAP's (Jewish American princesses) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What?!? And ruin my nails??

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Damocles March 12th, 2009 03:42 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two mice?

Uh no.......

There are four mice!

Star Trek Lightbulb Joke.

And now for something different.


Totally Kangaroo Jokes

Last winter a kangaroo caught such a fierce cold that come summer her family began using her pouch to hold popsicles.

And her baby joeys became known as the neighborhood chilled ren.

The dean of a major university took his staff on a field trip to the Australian outback. A zoologist by training, the dean lead his colleagues to one place after another, never stopping for rest until they spotted the wild animal they were looking for. Finally after searching in vain for over three hours with no success one staff asks his secretary, "Why don't we break into smaller groups to find these dogs??" "Impossible," replied the secretary firmly, "The dean happens to be the leading expert on dingos, so wherever the dean goes, we go!"

Why is that joey jumping in circles during the rehearsal of The Kangaroo Clock?
He's the second hand.

A clock has only three hands - hour, minute and second. Then why was a fourth hand added to the production of The Kangaroo Clock?
They needed a stagehand.

How do you tell when there's a Kangaroo under your bed?
You can't even start a dream without it jumping to a conclusion.

Southerner: Knock-Knock.
Shelley: Who's there?
Southerner: Kaingarue
Shelley: Kangaroo who?
Southerner: Dey Kain'tgrue Humpty Dumpty back together again!

Did you hear about the fancy Kangaroo that bought a zillion hat'n boots?
Hat'n worn a single one.

"You know, you were barely an inch long when you were born an tucked into your mamas pouch," the papa roo told his little joey. "My goodness!" exclaimed the joey, "I must've been undernourished!" "Oh no. You was the normal size." replied the papa, "You was just underaged."

Did you hear about the fluke kangaroo that won the roo marathon? It turns out the reason she won was because she was incredibly crowd-shy. Apparently she was so shy that she couldn't even change her pace with other roo watching.

A kangaroo saddle once owned by Seabiscuit jockey George Woolf recently sold for more than $150,000. The once jobless jockey considered the saddle good luck because it not only made his ride smooth but kept his checks from bouncing as well.

What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson after solving the case of the missing Kangaroo?
"It was roo-dimentary, Watson."

What kind of weed is considered best choice among the fashionable kangaroo?

Did you hear about the kangaroo that was hit by a foreign compact?
Had to go to the vet to have it dislodged.

Guy one: It's going to be a tough winter. I just saw a thousand kangaroo in line for Bermuda.
Guy two: For Bermuda grass?
Guy one: No, the country.

Then there was the guy who bought a kangaroo leather bra for his sports car to protect it from getting dings. Sure enough, after a long trip in the country side, there were no dings on his car - only dingos.

Why are kangaroo never buried at sea?
There are roo wills against it.

The Milton Berle Joke File defines cheap as someone with low pockets and short arms. Now the ACLRoo is considering filing a libel suit on behalf of the Marsupial family.

A kangaroo hops on a barstool in a saloon and orders a drink. A short while later a man walks in and says, "I don't drink with 'roos," and shoots the glass clear out of the kangaroo's arms.
A week later a bandaged 'roo hops in wearing a six-gun and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

Why was the single female kangaroo's fridge filled with prunes and figs?
Because she couldn't find any dates.

Two families of six roos each were in two separate fields of equivalent size yet the first roo family finished grazing two hours earlier than the second roo family. Why?
The first field was barley; second was tobacco.

What ailment do kangaroo who sit for long periods suffer?

What's the most common ailment among elder kangaroo?
Roo-matoid Arthritis.

Dingo one: That kangaroo has the worst taste in friends.
Dingo two: I know, I once bit one and I immediately threw up.

What do you get win you cross California politics with boomerangs?
Elected officials that recall themselves.

What's Tee-Kay's favorite TV classic?
I love Roo-cy.

What kind of Kangaroo gives advice from a mountaintop.
A Gu-roo.

Who's there?
Pouch and Sheikh.
Pouch and Sheikh who?
Pouch your right paw in. You pouch your left paw out.
You pouch your right paw in and you Sheikh it all about.

What's the most common foul called at a kangaroo basketball game?
A roos ball foul.

At a kangaroo basketball game, what's the most popular snack item in the pouch?
Slam-dunkin donuts.

Why did the Kangaroo bring an extra pocket-pouch to the golf course?
Just in case she got a hole-in-one.

Aphrodite March 12th, 2009 04:12 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
When I saw "And now for something completely different" I thought "Oh, cool! Monty Python jokes!"

I was wrong...

Damocles March 13th, 2009 05:28 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
How do you leave a Kangaroo hopping mad?

Monty Python: Michelangelo and the Pope

Renaissance Choir: [Gregorian Chant]

Servant: A Michelangelo to see you, your Holiness.

Pope: Who?

Servant: Michelangelo, the famous renaissance artist whose best known works include the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and the celebrated statue of David.

Pope: Ah. Very well...

Servant: In 1514 he returned to Florence and de...

Pope: All right, that's enough, that's enough, they've got it now!

Servant: Oh.

Michelangelo: Good evening, your Holiness.

Pope: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to have a word with you about this painting of yours, "The Last Supper."

Michelangelo: Oh, yeah?

Pope: I'm not happy about it.

Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours.

Pope: Not happy at all.

Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don't like?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: Ah, no, I know, they do have a bit of colour, don't they? Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo?

Pope: What kangaroo?

Michelangelo: No problem, I'll paint him out.

Pope: I never saw a kangaroo!

Michelangelo: Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple.

Pope: Aah.

Michelangelo: All right?

Pope: That's the problem.

Michelangelo: What is?

Pope: The disciples.

Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.

Pope: No, it's just that there are twenty-eight of them.

Michelangelo: Oh, well, another one will never matter, I'll make the kangaroo into another one.

Pope: No, that's not the point.

Michelangelo: All right. Well, I'll lose the kangaroo. Be honest, I wasn't perfectly happy with it.

Pope: That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples!

Michelangelo: Too many?

Pope: Well, of course it's too many!

Michelangelo: Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real last supper. You know, not just any old last supper. Not like a last meal or a final snack. But you know, I wanted to give the impression of a real mother of a blow-out, you know?

Pope: There were only twelve disciples at the last supper.

Michelangelo: Well, maybe some of the others ones came along afterw...

Pope: There were only twelve altogether.

Michelangelo: Well, maybe some of their friends came by, you know?

Pope: Look! There were just twelve disciples and our Lord at the last supper. The Bible clearly says so.

Michelangelo: No friends?

Pope: No friends.

Michelangelo: Waiters?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: Cabaret?

Pope: No!

Michelangelo: You see, I like them, they help to flesh out the scene, I could lose a few, you know I could...

Pope: Look! There were only twelve disciples at...

Michelangelo: I've got it! I've got it! We'll call it "The Last But One Supper"!

Pope: What?

Michelangelo: Well there must have been one, if there was a last supper there must have been a one before that, so this, is the "Penultimate Supper"! The Bible doesn't say how many people were there now, does it?

Pope: No, but...

Michelangelo: Well there you are, then!

Pope: Look! The last supper is a significant event in the life of our Lord, the penultimate supper was not! Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band. Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and one Christ!

Michelangelo: One?!

Pope: Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it?

Michelangelo: It works, mate!

Pope: Works?

Michelangelo: Yeah! It looks great! The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

Pope: There was only one Redeemer!

Michelangelo: Ah, I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license?

Pope: Well one Messiah is what I want!

Michelangelo: I'll tell you what you want, mate! You want a bloody photographer! That's you want. Not a bloody creative artist to crease you up...

Pope: I'll tell you what I want! I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!

Michelangelo: Bloody fascist!

Pope: Look! I'm the bloody pope, I am! May not know much about art, but I know what I like!

Paint him put of the picture.

Damocles March 13th, 2009 04:24 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.

Damocles March 14th, 2009 03:32 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
Some of these don't even make any sense!

Darth Vader's Top Ten Pet Peeves

10. Having to live a good part of my live with the name 'Anakin.'

9. Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps appearing in the middle of the night saying 'I told you so!'

8. Boba Fett gets all the chicks.

7. All I did was torture hundreds of innocent people, wipe out an entire generation of Jedi Knights, assist in destroying the rightful government in exchange for a malevolent dictatorship, destroy a planet, torture my daughter that I didn't even know existed, chop off my son's hand and I'm the bad guy.

6. The way G.M. tries to skirt around installing new safety features (Whoops! Sorry, that's a Ralph Nader pet peeve).

5. That darn Energizer bunny.

4. Whenever I eat at a KFC, everyone jokes that I'll only eat dark meat.

3. Wiseguys who come up to me saying 'This is CNN.'

2. When appearing together at military functions, The Emperor always insists on wearing his 'I'm with stupid' T-shirt.

1. I'm seen as a dark lord representative of all that's evil, but Newt Gingrich is a national celebrity.

Aphrodite March 14th, 2009 03:48 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
Top Ten Jobs Palpatine Had Before Becoming Dark Lord of the Sith

10. Portraying Mrs. Snugglypuffs, a sweet rabbit that was butchered and sewn back together on each episode of the children's show “Death Cometh to Good People” on the ‘Evil Network.’

9. Selling software under the tutelage of his future master, Darth Gates. (Was fired after caught embezzling money for a project code named: Death Star)

8. Huttoria's Secret Fashion Consultant and Spoke model (Was fired after only selling black robes)

7. Five words: You want fries with that?

6. Grief Councilor (Was fired after keeping people sad)

5. Manipulative and deceitful game show host of the widely popular "Who wants to be a Supreme Chancellor?" (Was fired after it came to light that he also was a host and contestant)

4. Adolescent rap star "Pal-P-Teen" (Quit after seeing what happened to Vanilla Ice)

3. Dark Intern Of the Sith (Killed boss while he slept, and thus needed a new career)

2. Anger Management Teacher (Was fired for constantly encouraging people to “give in to their anger”)

1. Played corpse on CSI: Crime Scene Inquisitorius (Was locked in morgue after being mistaken for an actual cadaver)

Damocles March 15th, 2009 08:24 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
Top ten reasons Empire loses.

10. Leigh Brackett didn't write the final script.
9. John Dykstra did the original special effects.
8. Anakin Skywalker is a wuss.
7. Yoda has all the tactical brilliance of a muppet.
6. Jar Jar Binks is Palpies chief adviser.
5. Palpie IS a muppet.
4. Imperial technology is based on the obvious fatal flaw principle.
3. Storm troopers are picked for their ability to miss.
2. Princess Leia.

And the number one reason that the Empire loses?
1. Mark Hamill, as Luke, is the JOKER in the deck.

Aphrodite March 15th, 2009 01:40 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
1 Attachment(s)
HEY!! No bagging on Mark! I'm a HUGE Mark Hamill fan! And he was brilliant as the Joker, too!

Damocles March 15th, 2009 02:04 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
What is the difference between Mark Hamill and Captain Hook?

They didn't give Hook the hook in Peter Pan!

Damocles March 16th, 2009 05:13 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
Here’s my new favorite Captain Hook joke. Now you know that us Scandihoovians tell a lot of jokes. However, we make no claim that any of them are actually funny…..

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them did a dump and it hit me in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from bird droppings.”
Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”

Damocles March 16th, 2009 01:49 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
What's a Pirate's favorite gas?


Argon is the chemical element in the periodic table that has the symbol Ar and atomic number 18. The third noble gas, in group 18, argon is present in the Earth's atmosphere at slightly less than 1 %. This makes it the most common noble gas on Earth.

Damocles March 17th, 2009 05:48 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
What is a pirate's favorite booty?

Why a young piratess of course! It gets lonely out there with nothing but a bunch of pirates!

Aphrodite March 17th, 2009 01:53 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
And here I was thinking we were going to get leprechaun jokes. :P:

Damocles March 17th, 2009 04:13 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
I don't do short people jokes.

In honor of the day:

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

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