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-   -   Clean joke of the day. (http://www.colonialfleets.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15815)

Damocles August 6th, 2008 08:51 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Buffalo
What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college?

"Bison."

Anteaters
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?

Because they're full of anty bodies!


Rabbits
What do you call a hundred rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line!


Snakes
First snake: "What is 56 minus 14?"

Second snake: "How do I know, I'm an adder!"

Orange
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

Orange
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

Sheepdog
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a daffodil?

A collie-flower!

Frog
What do you get when you cross a frog and a bunny?

A ribbit!

Damocles August 10th, 2008 03:14 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q: What do you call a Volon baby?

A: Osh Kosh

......
Knock knock
Who's there?
Kosh.
Kosh who?
Gesundheidt!
......
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morden
Morden Who?
Morden that I can't tell you.

Damocles August 10th, 2008 03:15 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q: What's Neroon in Ring of Fire?

A: MinBar-B-Q

......
Q: What kind of luggage does a Pak'Ma'Ra take on plane?

A: Carrion

......
Q: How many Mimbari does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None.
.....They always surrender before they finish the job and never tell you why.

......
Q: How many Centauri does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One.
.....But in the Grand old days of the Republic,
.....Hundreds of servants would change thousands of light bulbs at our slightest whim!

......
Q: What's more dangerous than a locked room full of angry Narn?

A: One angry Narn--with the key.

Damocles February 26th, 2009 03:09 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
What do you say when somebody drops a 200 pound bell on your foot?

Spoiler
Ouch.

Damocles February 27th, 2009 09:48 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
What do you say to 535 Congress-cretins who pass a two trillion dollar deficit?

Spoiler
Do you want tar with your feathers?

Damocles February 28th, 2009 12:06 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Hpw do you get lost in space?

Spoiler
Order through Amazon.com and get it on DVD!

Damocles February 28th, 2009 04:08 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a road?

Spoiler
A mess of feathers.

Damocles March 1st, 2009 09:08 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler
Individual perspectives on the matter

Woody Allen:
I mean, it was, it was ... a legal chicken ... It wasn't like it was a blood relative or anything. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

The Dead Sea Scrolls:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Roseanne:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Jack Benny:
I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

James Cagney:
It crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.

Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

John Cleese:
This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken. Ergo, it did not cross the road.

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads

James Dean:
To prove he wasn't chicken.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

M.C.Escher:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates:
To purchase Chicken 2.01a, which will both cross roads and calculate the energy it used. There are bugs, yes, but if you uninstall Traffic 2.0 and Farmer 1.2 it will run. If it freezes at WhiteLine 2.0, we have a patch ...

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do not concern yourself with the chicken that did cross the road; the answer lies with the chicken that did not cross the road.

Saddam Hussein:
It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Terry Jones:
This isn't a chicken license! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

Damocles March 2nd, 2009 04:16 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Another Chicken joke.

Quote:

"Three-Legged Chickens"

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet." (Molly - Ohio/USA)

Damocles March 3rd, 2009 07:39 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
How fast can chickens fly?

Spoiler
Depends on how much air pressure is in the chicken gun.




Damocles March 4th, 2009 04:17 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
How many chickens does it take to lay an egg?

Spoiler
535 of them. Its called CONGRESS.

Damocles March 5th, 2009 02:57 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
When will all the chickens come home to roost?

Spoiler
Just as soon as we've found out just how CONGRESS feathered its nest, not only will the chickens roost; but some of them will be roasted!

Damocles March 6th, 2009 04:16 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Congress jokes.

Why do we have a Congress?

Spoiler
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Damocles March 7th, 2009 09:39 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
"Here's an interesting figure, 43 percent of the incoming Congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Republicans."

Damocles March 7th, 2009 05:43 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Drop another two hundred pound bell! What does Captain Obvious say about you?


Spoiler
Way to go, kumquat!

http://distractible.org/wp-content/p...PID%20Done.jpg

Damocles March 8th, 2009 10:51 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Moo.

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what's your neighbr's problem? He needs to go and get a bull and rent him to you for stud!

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one to a socialist for an enormous profit, buy a bull, and then build a whole herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares you bankrupt.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Damocles March 9th, 2009 01:58 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Moo.

Spoiler
Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...
And now she thinks she's a horse.

What are the spots on black and white cows?
Holstains

What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia

Have you ever heard the term "When Pigs Fly!"......
Well what if it were "When Cows Fly!"

Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'

Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.

What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
"It's just an udder day"

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator

Why don't cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry

Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows

What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat

What do cows wear in Hawaii?
Moo- moos

What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
Decalfenated

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work

Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit?
They called it the Herd Shot 'Round The World!

Damocles March 9th, 2009 08:16 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
How many cows does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler
One. But getting her up the ladder is almost udderly impossible!

Damocles March 10th, 2009 03:55 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
How many fingers am I holding up?

Spoiler
You actually looked to see if there was an answer?

bsg1fan1975 March 10th, 2009 08:44 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
lol


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