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-   -   Clean joke of the day. (http://www.colonialfleets.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15815)

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:27 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Try to settle the dispute
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:29 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Strange people are here
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:40 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
The new Euro language
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:44 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Purchasing a new bird
Panda After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:45 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
They're boasting about race records
Panda Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:46 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
A frog calls a psychic
Panda Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:47 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
These chickens want books
Panda A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:49 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
A guide to walking tigers
Panda Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:51 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
A snail buys a fast new car
Panda There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:53 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
A very insulting parrot
Panda This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:45 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Easter bunny jokes.

Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:45 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: Its been nice gnawing you.

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:46 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q: What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit cent?
A: One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:47 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano?

Ans. He was playing by ear!

Damocles March 25th, 2009 04:47 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Easter Bunny Joke Marathon.

Easter Bunny Jokes

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A. Bugs Bunny

Damocles March 25th, 2009 04:48 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide the egg?

A. Because it was a little chicken.

Damocles March 25th, 2009 04:49 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q. What do you call a dumb Easter Bunny?

A. A hare brain.

Damocles March 25th, 2009 04:50 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q. Why can't an Easter Bunny's nose be twelve inches long?

A. Because then it would be a foot.

Damocles March 25th, 2009 04:53 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q. What do you call an egg laying rabbit who tells jokes?

A. A funny (as in weird) Easter Bunny.

Dawg March 25th, 2009 07:32 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Knock, knock.


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