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-   -   Clean joke of the day. (http://www.colonialfleets.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15815)

Damocles June 21st, 2008 02:25 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
A travel agent for thirty years in our nation's capital has this to report:


"This is why we're in trouble! I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.



I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response.( click).



A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"



I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, No." She said, "But they look so close on the map.



An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."



An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a. m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a. m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!



A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.



A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"



I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."



A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"



A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"



A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.



Now you know why YOUR Government is in the shape that it's in!!!!!

Damocles June 22nd, 2008 05:47 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
So you want more vacation time?

So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for ok?

There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be flipped out, if you’re gonna take that day off, too!

Damocles June 24th, 2008 03:36 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Lawyer's Are Full Of Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Damocles June 25th, 2008 07:44 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
God's Kids

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Damocles June 27th, 2008 03:29 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
On a Lonely Island


A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, nice nose, etc. But every time this poor guy attempts to kiss the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg off. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

Damocles June 30th, 2008 02:39 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Speech-Recognition Demo


At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return."

Someone else chimed in,"Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked.

Damocles July 1st, 2008 09:01 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Vocalist Jokes
Soprano Jokes:

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)

1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

Alto Jokes:

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

Tenor Jokes:

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end and ran them over with a paver, it would be a good idea.

Bass Jokes

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?

1. What's the difference?
2. Who cares?

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

High School Chorus Jokes

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

Banjo Jokes

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

Guitar Jokes

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Accordion Jokes

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

Bumper Stickers:

1. Play an accordian--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles

Chang Jokes

A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.

How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.
Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.
Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
"Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2. "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"

"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.

"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.

Milton says "It's a piece of Danish with a band wrapped around it."

Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician, each, one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."

The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

Conductor Jokes

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the crap in the back.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.

Athene July 1st, 2008 10:19 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Those are great jokes. Mind if I copy those? THANKS! :salute:

Damocles July 2nd, 2008 04:27 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Go ahead!

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

_______________________________

~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."

________________________________________

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

______________________________

Just some more.

Damocles July 3rd, 2008 06:29 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
What do you do with dead elementsl Barium!

As two caterpillars were crawling along, a butterfly flew overhead.
One turned to the other and said,
"You'll never get me up in one of those things!"

What was the pirate movie rated?
aRRRgh!

What subject is a witch good at in school?
Spelling!

What do firemen put in their soup?
Fire crackers!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy.

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!!

What did the egg say to the other egg?
Let's get cracking!

What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
Mooo-ve over.

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
It was a chicken.

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station!

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
You bump your nose on the ceiling.

What would you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What pie can fly?
A magpie.

What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
I'm all ears!

How can you make seven even?
Remove the "S".

Damocles July 8th, 2008 05:23 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
I have to catch up!

Dearly Departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Damocles July 8th, 2008 05:25 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

Damocles July 8th, 2008 05:26 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Lawyer Fishing

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

Damocles July 8th, 2008 05:27 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
The Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

Damocles July 8th, 2008 05:31 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
The Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Damocles July 9th, 2008 07:28 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?

She got cold and turned off the fan.

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
Clean Blonde Jokes

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies, "Yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

Damocles July 11th, 2008 06:00 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

Damocles July 12th, 2008 06:05 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
The Centipede

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

Damocles July 15th, 2008 04:55 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS


Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Damocles July 16th, 2008 09:25 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q: What kind of shark is always gambling?
A: A CARDSHARK.

Q: What is the average sharks favorite movie?
A: The Shaw-Shark Redemption.

Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show?
A: Shark Trek.

Q: Why do sharks wear shoes?
A: SHARKS HAVE FEET.

Q: Why do sharks live in the ocean and not the sky?
A: The sky is Jet territory.

Did you hear about the aquarium owner? His shark was worse than his pike.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A shark.
A shark who?
A shark who just ate your family, and now he's going to eat you!

Q: WHat doe a shark like to watch on tv?
A: Anything but Flipper!!!!!

Q: What is a sharks favorite bible story?
A: Noah's SHARK.

Q: What was the shark's favorite James Joyce novel?
A: FINnegan's wake.

Q: Why did the shark throw his clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly!

Q: Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
A: To get to the other TIDE.

Q: What is a shark's favorite Dustin Hoffman Film?
A: Midnight Caudal.

Q: Who is the shark community's favorite 1950s film actress?
A: Dorsal Day.

Q: Who is the shark community's favorite 1950s film actor?
A: Shark Hudson.

Q: What was the shark world's equivalent of Tom Delay's nickname?
A: The Hammerhead.

Q: Why did the shark commit suicide?
A: He was tired of swimming in circles.

Damocles July 18th, 2008 05:03 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody remembers to start locking the gate at night!"

Damocles July 19th, 2008 07:56 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.


Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.


Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.


Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?
A: Seal.


Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.


Q: Why don´t Penguins like rock music?
A: They only like sole.


Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.


Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.


Q: What do mother Penguins say to their children
before they go out in the dark?
A: Beak....careful out there.


Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?
A: Because they don´t wanna fall out.


Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?
A: Icebergers.

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.

Damocles July 22nd, 2008 08:30 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
For Buckeye fans!

http://tk1.storage.msn.com/x1p0vcOMR...cpntbhgmF8YnGH

Damocles July 22nd, 2008 08:38 AM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Lloyd Carr was trying to figure out why his Michigan team couldn't win like Ohio State. He decided to go down to Columbus to study the team. After one practice, Carr chased down Jim Tressel and asked "How is it you win so much, Jim?" Jim called out for Craig Krenzel to come over and asked, "Craig, who is your uncle's sister's son?" Craig replied, "That's easy coach, it’s me!" Jim thanked Craig, sent him to the locker room, and turned to Carr. "It’s all about having a smart quarterback, Lloyd." Carr was enlightened, so he went back to Ann Arbor and before practice called for John Navarre. "John, who is your uncle's sister's son?" Carr asked. John looked perplexed. "Coach, can you give me til after practice to think about it?" Carr, disgusted, agreed. Minutes later, in a huddle, John turned to Chris Perry and said, "Chris, man, you have to help me, coach is gonna kill me if I don't get this right. Who is your uncle's sister's son?" Perry looked at him funny and said, "Man, that's easy. Its me." Navarre, confident in his answer, went up to Coach Carr after practice and said "Coach, I've got it! My uncle's sister's son is Chris Perry!" Carr, disgusted as ever, yelled back at him, "NO NO NO, DUMMY! IT'S CRAIG KRENZEL!"
____________________________

I give you that one as a freebie.

Damocles July 25th, 2008 07:26 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
http://www.german-jokes.com/gjd.html

German jokes.

Damocles August 5th, 2008 01:53 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Lots of jokes to make up.

BABOONS TO BEAVERS

BABOON
123. Who was the famous French monkey general?
Ape-oleon Baboon-aparte

BARRACUDA
126. What fish drink too much?
Beer-a-cudas.

BASS
129. How do stupid fish do everything?
Bass ackward.

BASSET
131.Did you hear about the female basset hound that placed a
classified ad in the newspaper?
It read: “Wanted. Handsome male basset. Object: Bassinet.”

BAT
133.Wife bat: “Would you like to go out for a bite tonight?”
Husband: “No. I think I’ll just hang around.”

145. Three vampire bats swoop into a bar.
“What’ll you have?” asks the waitress.
“Blood,” says the biggest one.
“Blood,” says the middle-sized one.
“Plasma,” says the smallest one.
The waitress turns and calls out to the bartender, “Two bloods and a
blood light.”

BEAGLE
147. Beagles should be kept under lox and keys.

BEAR
153. Eating bear meat is a grizzly experience.

180.Did you hear about the singers in Yellowstone National Park?
They’re bear-itones.

BEAVER

187. What did the beaver say to the tree?
“It’s been nice gnawing you.”

198. What do you say to a sad beaver?
“Why the log face?”

Damocles August 5th, 2008 01:55 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
http://www.cybersalt.org/cl_images/1.../catbaboon.jpg

Damocles August 5th, 2008 01:58 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Cutting Labor Costs
The railways are always looking for ways to cut labor costs. Years ago there used to be five crew members on a train. Then they went to four, then three, and now many freight train crews are made up of two people, the engineman and the brakeman.

They finally figured out a way to eliminate one more crewman, and many were surprised to find out that they were eliminating the engineman. They replaced him with a baboon who had been sent to school for just one day. Most engineers study for years before they can qualify for the job.

On the first trip the brakeman was a bit leery, but thought he'd give it a try. They outfitted the cab of the engine with two color monitors, one in front of the baboon, and one in front of the brakeman.

While in the yard, the brakeman heard the carman on the radio call for the brakes to be setup for the brake test. The screen in front of the baboon flashed the message "SETUP BRAKES" and the baboon did.

Next, the carman called for the release of the brakes. The monitor in front of the baboon flashed "RELEASE BRAKES" and the baboon did.

Finally, the carman called and gave the "OK on the brakes, you may proceed." The dispatcher then gave the train the clear signal. The monitor in front of the baboon flashed "CLEAR TO PROCEED" and the train departed.

For the next four hours the screen would flash various messages and the baboon would do exactly what the screen instructed.

As the train pulled into the destination yard, the baboon's screen flashed the instruction "APPLY BRAKES, YARD TRAIN" and the train came to a stop right in front of the yard office.

The brakeman became worried. Here was the baboon driving the train and getting all the instructions. He started to wonder why the railway had kept him in his position.

Then, the screen in front of the brakeman beeped, began to make a horrible sound and started flashing: "FEED THE BABOON! FEED THE BABOON!"

Damocles August 5th, 2008 02:00 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
In the Queue Area

Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control...the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening...Thank you.

Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on the left. If you'd like to keep your family together, please stay in the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you'd like to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you'll never see them again.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00/$100.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile...we have good news for you. We have found your rubber band.

To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders--the men who will be helping you into the boats--how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party..." and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party..." and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One...Two...Three. There--those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise. Those of you who are waiting in line are probably resigned to the fact that there is a long wait. Well, we here at the Jungle Cruise aim to please. So, if you'd like to see the line move faster, please raise your hand. Once again, please raise your hand if you'd like to see the line move faster. (crowd raises hands) Okay, those of you who have your hands raised, please take one step to the right and let the people behind you through. Now you'll definitely see the line move faster.

There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won't move, simply run in place.

Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting...veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.

Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they've spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that's ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.

We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they're pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can't trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin' (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four minus four is, and he said nothing.

It's a four hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?

Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you'll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don't go bananas.

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise Please do not take pictures while you are in the queue. Once again please do not take pictures while you are in the queue; They are nailed to the walls for a reason.

Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to remind you that cutting in line will not be tolerated here at the World Famous Jungle Cruise. That's right...there is to be no cutting in line. Anyone caught with scissors will be ejected from the queue.

Damocles August 5th, 2008 02:03 PM

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
OK, one:

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my giraffe." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the giraffe falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."


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