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13 Why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep?
because he left it off the hook!

14 What does a pirate say when he takes over santa's job?
ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

15 What does a vegan pirate do in jail?
Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!

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16 What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
8 Pirates!

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What's a pirate's favorite socks? Arrrrgyle.

What does a pirate think happens at the end of time? Arrrrmageddon.

What's a pirate's favorite food? Arrrrrtichokes.

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What's a pirate's favorite basketball move? Jump hook.

How do pirates make their money? By hook or by crook.

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Why do pirates make excellent fishermen? They know how to hook the big ones.

Where do pirates find their birds? Parrots Without Partners.

Did you hear about the pirate's parrot that fell in love with a duck? The bird kept saying, "Polly wants a quacker".

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Why couldn't the young pirate see the R-rated movie? There was no parrot-al guidance.

Why should pirates work for FedEx? They have the fastest ships in the shipping business.

What's it called when a pirate's sloop runs aground? It's ship out of luck.

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Why don't pirates use a safe deposit box? They put their valuables in Davy Jones' Locker.

Who's the pirate's favorite actress? Diane Cannon.

Why did the pirate refuse to say, "Aye, Aye, Captain"? Because he's only got one eye.

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What's the pirate's favorite restaurant? Trick question because it's either Jolly Roger or Long John Silver's.

How could the pirate acquire the ship so cheaply? Because it was on sail.

Why did the pirate not learn how to bowl? He had a severe hook.

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Who was the pirate's favorite musician? Carlos Bandana.

Why couldn't the pirate stop thinking about sailing? He had ship for brains.

What has 12 arms, 12 legs and 12 eyes? A dozen pirates.

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What was Bluebeard's wife's name? Peg.

How do pirates eat on their ships? Slurp soup on the sloop.

How does a pirate greet a yoyo? Yo Ho.

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What's a pirate's favorite companion? Someone who parrots.

What exercise is hard for Blackbeard? Pirate Pilates.

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When boxing, what's a pirate's favorite punch? Left hook.

What's a pirate's least favorite animal? Termites.

If Blackbeard played sports who would he play for? Either the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Pittsburg Pirates.

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How does a pirate, wearing a patch, say "yes" to the leader? Eye Eye, Captain.

What do you have to watch for when sitting down on a wooden toilet seat? Long john slivers.

What does a pirate put on toast? Jelly Roger.

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What's it called when a pirate seeks treasure? Hide and rob..

What's a pirate's favorite movie? Booty and the Beast.

Where do pirates get chocolate? Carob bean

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Where do pirates buy their sketch pads? Arrrrrrrt Supply Store.

Where do pirates drink their beer? In schooners.

Which pirate ship has a gate? Frigate.

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How does a pirate tell his matey to get out of the toilet and secure everything for an upcoming storm? Button up the britches and batten down the hatches!

What is a buccaneer? Pretty high price to pay for corn.

Where does a pirate store his workout clothes? Davy Jone's Locker.

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What's Bluebeard's favorite song? Doubloon Moon.

What kind of look does a pirate give right before walking off the ship? Plank stare.

How does a pirate tell his matey he'll watch for him? I'll keep an eye out for you.

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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''

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A man went into the pet shop " I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder" he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment , but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places , poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot . Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK ? " asked the customer " I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible ."

" I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine " said the pet shop owner " I have one at home . I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it ".

" Sorry " said the customer " I can't make it on Thursday . That's the day I'm having my leg cut off ."

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So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"