Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Answer: Worf Speed.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: Why couldn't Kira get permanent quarters on DS9?
Answer: Because everybody knew she was a Visitor.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did the senior staff of DS9 sing when Kira was packing to leave at the beginning of "The Circle"?
Answer: Nana, Nana . . . Nana, Nana . . . Hey, hey, hey, goodbye!

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What do you do if O'Brien refuses to fix your ship after you dock at DS9?
Answer: Colm Meaney. (For those of you who don't know "Colm" isn't pronounced "Kohlm." It's pronounced more like "column.")

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What is Sisko's favorite breakfast?
Answer: Quarker Oates.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: How would B'Elana Torres introduce her significant other?
Answer: I'd like you to meet my better third.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What do you get when Gul Dukat kills off his half-Bajoran, half-Cardassian daughter?
Answer: Bacardi on ice.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?
Answer: They have engaged the Borg.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What do you get when you cross Lwaxana Troi with the bridge of a Starfleet vessel?
Answer: An empty bridge.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: Did you hear that Jonathan Frakes is starring in a remake of an old
James Bond movie?
Answer: It's called Moonriker.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did the Jamaican say to the Ferengi captain who was visiting Earth?
Answer: Have a nice Dai Mon.

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Question: What do you get when you throw the casing of an unborn chicken at Quark's nephew?
Answer: Egg Nog.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Jeordi!"
"Jeordi who?"
"Didn't Jeordi ask me that?"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What would the communication officer of DS9 say to Captain Sisko when a person is going on and on on the fifth channel of communications?
Answer: Sir Babylon 5.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: How many TOS landing party members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the extra red-shirt will die in the attempt.

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Question: How many Voyager crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: However many it takes, you can be sure a shuttlecraft will be destroyed during the attempt.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Data's Top Ten (Pre-Generations) Attempts at Humor


10.. "Say...is that your computer's interface terminal, or did its bilinear isolinear matrix subprocessor default to its primary setting?
9. "Take my wires...please?"
8. "Inquiry: Why did the bipedal fowl laterally transverse the paved transportation surface?...Answer: In order to relocate at the new coordinates!"
7. "A man and an android walk into a bar. The man says to the android: 'I am thirsty.' The android goes berzerk and kills him."
6. "I have a positronic funny bone."
5. "My wife is so ugly that she is visually unappealing."
4. "342.47 megahertz? Bn46.2945 - 34z!! Ha ha ha!"
3. Putting "I brake for the Borg" stickers all over the ship.
2. "Whoo...it is so hot today that I may have to activate my internal thermostat!"
1. Walking around with that goofy smile from "Data's Day."

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pock, What was Said and What was Meant


The following are lines Spock might have said followed by what was really said:

This celebratory gathering occurs at my behest and I shall be lachrymose if it so befits me.
Answer: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

She chooses to purchase a terraced incline directed toward a post-life paradisiacal region.
Answer: And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

The leather coverings now encasing my pedal extremities have been manufactured for the specific purpose of ambulatory forward motion.
Answer: These Boots Were Made For Walkin.

Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway consisting of bricks of baked clay.
Answer: Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road

And we will engage in much jubilant activity until such time as the male parent chooses to repossess her vehicle of motorized transport.
Answer: And we'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away.

The deity had little or nothing to do with the manufacture of minuscule viridescent seed-bearing fruits.
Answer: God didn't make little green apples.

Allow me the honor of portraying for you a miniaturized representation of a member of the family Ursidae of the order Carnivora.
Answer: Let me be your Teddy Bear.

You provide illumination for the period of time delimited by my nativity and the complete cessation of my metabolic functions.
Answer: Again, nitpicky. It's "You Light Up My Life."

Express deep affection towards yours truly in the manner of a hardened igneous object.
Answer: Love me like a rock.

Spock: I possess the capability of performing ocular scans of manual inscriptions on a vertical partition.
Answer: I can read the writing on the wall.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Voyager Knock-Knock by Jenni Twigg


Knock-Knock.

Janeway: What? Who's there?

Chakotay: Turn that(beep)thing down will ya?

Tuvok: It is illogical to answer such questions.

Torres: Will some one answer the (beep) door!

Kim: I can't answer the door. I'm too busy reading technobabble.

Paris: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Neelix: What was that?

Kes: Don't open the door to stangers. I'm too young to answer the door anyway.

Boo.

Janeway: Boo Who?

Chakotay: Wow. I'm so scared.

Tuvok: My Vulcan control does not allow me to reply.

Torres: Will you shut up and go away?

Kim: It's not Halloween yet.

Paris: Hey girl!

Neelix: I still don't get it.

Kes: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Janeway: Don't cry, It's only a joke!

All: That was the dumbest thing i ever heard!

Neelix: I STILL don't get it.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Top Ten Misconceptions About The Starship Voyager And Her Crew


10. Misconception: the Doctor is a hologram.
Fact: He is the only real crew member-- everyone else is a hologram.
9. Misconception: Torres is the head of engineering.
Fact: Seven of Nine is the head of engineering.
8. Misconception: Seven of Nine is a recovering Borg.
Fact: She's just disguising herself as a recovering Borg, but in fact plans to assimilate Earth when they get home.
7. Misconception: Chakotay has mastered lucid dreaming.
Fact: He's dreaming right now and doesn't even know it.
6. Misconception: Kim has the hots for Seven of Nine.
Fact: Janeway has ordered Kim to get close to Seven and uncover her next plot to lead Voyager to the Borg.
5. Misconception: Neelix is an authority on the Delta Quadrant.
Fact: He's been hiding his "Delta Quadrant for Dummies" book.
4. Misconception: Tuvok never laughs.
Fact: He's laughing on the inside.
3. Misconception: Starfleet is now aware of what happened to Voyager and is doing everything they can to bring her home.
Fact: Starfleet is now aware of what happened to Voyager and wants her to stay in the Delta Quadrant and explore until she runs out of gas.
2. Misconception: Tom Paris was happy to become the Doctor's new assistant.
Fact: Engineering is closer to sickbay than the bridge.
1. Misconception: From its present position, it will take Voyager approximately 58 years to get home.
Fact: Not even the most avid Trekkie would watch Star Trek: Voyager for that many seasons.