Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook much better now."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.

The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.

The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.

When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.

"Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me."

The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.'

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

CONFESSION
Two young Irish men had been out sleeping with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I have sex with a young lady. Please forgive me."
The priest said, "Tell me my son, who the young lady was." The young man said he couldn't do that and the priest said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mary Kelly?" asked the priest."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Ryan?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed hussey Brigid O'Reilly?"
"No."
"Well then," said the priest, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the young man met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met with
Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer stupid candle."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sisters,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'

'I'm God,' said the stranger.

'Pardon?'

'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll I do?'

Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!"

Back

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two loose women."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.