Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Complete Check-Up

Rand was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Rand turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Rand got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Convenience Store?

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarrettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me, Sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here, but I can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all. We also sell condoms here..."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Dangerous Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to
investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his Captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Daylight Saving Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Deadly Disease

A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it.

"We've received the results from your tests," says the doctor on the other end of the line. "Bad news - you have Ebola."

"Oh, my God," cries the man. "Doc! What am I going to do?"

"Don't worry. First, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread," says the doctor.

"Will that cure me?" the man asks.

"No, but it's the only food we'll be able to get under the door."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Difficult?

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu.

"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Dig Me a Hole...

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told, but he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Doctor, Doctor

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor!" he started.

"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."

"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Dr. Death

A man was lying on his death-bed in a hospital when suddenly he began flailing his arms and making motions as if he wanted to speak.

The priest, keeping a bedside watch, leaned towards the man and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded affirmatively. The priest handed him a pad and pen. "I realize that, in your condition, you can't speak. Here, write a note on this pad of paper and I'll pass it along to your wife. She's in the waiting room."

The man gathered his last bit of strength and proceeded to scrawl his message on the pad of paper. He then quickly handed the note to the priest. Moments later, the man died.

After administering last rites, the priest left the man's bedside to break the sad news to the wife. After some consoling, the priest handed her the note.

The wife tearfully opened the note which read, "Get off my damn oxygen hose!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Dress Code Exceptions

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, Kim trained employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get for owning the company!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Everywhere and Then Some...

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, completely untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," replied the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Excellent Smuggler

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.

"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.

"Sand," the cyclist replied.

"Get them off. We need to take a look," the guard ordered.

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.

"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across
the border, so tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"

The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Fainted

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Famous Painter

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Fantastic Job Package

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years, perhaps a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Fantasy World

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Fast Food

Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"

Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Find the Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Foolish Pilot

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

From Salesman to Policeman

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."