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-   -   Clean joke of the day. (http://www.colonialfleets.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15815)

Damocles March 17th, 2009 07:59 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
And to end this Irish joke marathon, a little something for you Irishmen to remember about Irish women, the smartest women on Earth!

Spoiler
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Damocles March 18th, 2009 01:06 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
How many Irish jokes can you stand?

Spoiler
About 100 it turns out before I'm sick of them.:barf:

Aphrodite March 18th, 2009 06:54 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Lol!

Damocles March 19th, 2009 01:34 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Martian jokes.


IN A VACUUM
A Martian was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it
on or off?"

MARTIAN AND HER PET DOGS
A girl was visiting her Martian friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The Martian responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooo......," answered the Martian. "They're watch dogs!"

Damocles March 20th, 2009 04:03 AM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
How many lobbyists does it take to screw up light bulbs?

http://www.examiner.com/a-1126541~Ti...ght_bulb_.html

Only two, but boy can they screw up light bulbs!

Damocles March 20th, 2009 11:32 AM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
What do you get when you cross a Ford Mustang and a cow?

Spoiler
Hamburgers and a 2200 pound paper weight. What did you expect after the wreck?:D

Aphrodite March 20th, 2009 05:42 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
LMAO!!
:rotf::LOL::D

Damocles March 20th, 2009 09:05 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
What is more frightening, a charging bull, or a charging wife?

Spoiler
The wife, the bull doesn't have a credit card.

Damocles March 20th, 2009 09:12 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
New Father jokes.

Go to the hospital
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

Damocles March 20th, 2009 09:13 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Naming your child

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."

Damocles March 20th, 2009 09:15 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

A few jokes in honor of Cylon 13

Damocles March 23rd, 2009 03:53 AM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Some welding jokes

An attorney met with his client, a welder, to discuss a potential lawsuit.

"On the phone you said you were about to be sued," said the lawyer. "Who's threatening to sue you?"

"My assistant," answered the welder. "I hired him a few months ago. Now he's claiming he was hurt on the job."

"Well," said the lawyer, "before we decide on a litigation strategy we need to find out whether he's telling the truth. What have you done to make sure that he was really hurt?"

"I set him on fire with my welding torch."

Damocles March 23rd, 2009 03:56 AM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
On a blind date, a welder decided he did not want to be stereotyped by his profession, so he refused to reveal it to his date.

He took her to dinner and a movie, all the time taking careful precautions to avoid revealing his identity as a welder. After the movie, he asked his date if she had figured out his profession.

"You're a welder," she said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"How could you possibly know that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "the biggest hint came at dinner when I told you how romantic the candlelight was, and you handed me a welders mask and said, 'It won't be very romantic when you go blind, Here wear this.' ."

Damocles March 23rd, 2009 04:04 AM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Quote:
GW Expat: A welding nation

by Sam Sherraden
GW Expat


Senior Sam Sherraden, an international affairs major and former Hatchet photo editor, spent the summer studying abroad in Beijing, China and is spending the fall semester further north in Harbin, China. Twice a month, he will share his experiences and observations from East Asia as one of GW's many expats.

The joke started when we saw someone just off campus, squatting on the ground, welding without eye protection, but instead using a white dinner plate to shield his eyes from the intense light. He would move the plate occasionally to see what work he had done, cover again and keep on welding.

Because rapid urbanization in China's cities and suburbs has created a vast market for construction, seeing people welding is commonplace. So, after seeing people welding with dinner plates, on the sidewalk, on campus and in quantities that we have never seen before, we have running joke among friends that in China, welding is a hobby. Not necessarily a hazardous or skilled profession, but rather something one does for entertainment in a park with friends or in the 11th story at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night because the blue light and sparks look cool.

One day we were carrying on about welders everywhere, and my neighbor Du Lin, an HIT junior, heard us joking and told us that he was a welding major. We explained the joke, and then he told us among all students at HIT, welding majors have the easiest time finding employment. HIT is the only University in China with an undergraduate welding department, and its graduates are in high demand.

While we make jokes in jest of the haphazard nature of some welding in China, we realized so many people working in construction sites melting steel together is quite a poignant symbol of China's rapid urbanization.

Since I drove in from the Beijing airport last June, I have felt like I was walking through the computer monitor of the classic computer game, SimCity. Buildings are being erected everywhere. In Chaoyang, one of the most modern and developed districts in Beijing, flocks of cranes litter the sky. Migrant workers from the west and central provinces sleep in bunkhouses on site, and during the day work long hours to finish construction before the 2008 Olympic Games.

Olympic deadlines have made the pace of construction in Beijing particularly fast, but I realized after traveling around China for a while seeing welders and construction sites in every major city I visited, that rampant construction is not just an Olympics phenomenon. From Ulumuchi, Xinjiang to Chengdu, Sichuan, cities across China are rising up out of the ground.

I was once told that more skyscrapers are built annually in Shenzhen, Guangdong, than exist in the city of Chicago. Shenzhen, now a booming city across the border to Hong Kong was once a small town. After being designated a Special Economic Zone in 1979, it is now the home of numerous manufacturing enterprises and one of two stock exchanges in mainland China.

Shenzhen is one of China's 166 cities with more than one million residents which together have average growth rates are 10 percent annually. The New York Times' recent profile of another Guangdong metropolis, Dongguan, reported that during the past 20 years, Dongguan has transformed from a small town to a city with seven million residents and soaring annual growth rate of 23 percent.

The large capital investment that goes into each new building and the returns investors expect to make back, makes me think about where this country is going to go in our lifetime. But, urbanization carried out at such a rapid pace without proper government oversight naturally has costs. It has led to social problems, poor usage of arable land and misallocation of resources.

In this way, China's urbanization is similar to the profession of welding that my friends and I commonly joke around about. Welding and urbanization are both necessary to build and grow, but when done with a dinner plate on the side of the road, the welder and China are likely to later encounter significant structural problems.
Not a joke. They are going to pay for this with many lives.

AJMarks March 23rd, 2009 06:24 AM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Okay, I'll try:
Hear about the three, oh, wait, that one's not a clean joke.

How about the old man, oh, that's one's not clean either.

Hmm

How about the rope joke?
No!
Skip it!

Damocles March 23rd, 2009 12:03 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
HUNG WITH HIS OWN LEGAL ROPE!

Quote:
Cigars on Fire No Joke

A true story. -- A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

But...After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

http://members.aol.com/Z321go/Lawyer.htm
Now that is a rope joke and absolutely true.

Aphrodite March 23rd, 2009 02:16 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
^that is the funniest true story I've ever read!

AJMarks March 23rd, 2009 03:28 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Yep, sometimes it doesn't pay to win. Bet the lawyer now wishes he had lost the first case.

(Did you guys get the rope joke though, I don't know many people who do get it. I usually have to explain it.)

Damocles March 23rd, 2009 03:51 PM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
Nope. I'm a dope about the rope
Spoiler
joke unless it involves soap and a Moose.

Damocles March 24th, 2009 11:26 AM
Re: Clean joke of the day.
 
You are from Canada
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

1. You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

16. You head south to go to your cottage.

17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

20. You find -40C a little chilly.

21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

23. You can play road hockey on skates.

24. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

26. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.


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